#17 Bella Luna // Jason Mraz

Mystery the moon
A hole in the sky
A supernatural nightlight
So full but often right
A pair of eyes a closing one
A chosen child in golden sun
A marble dog that chases cars
To farthest reaches of the beach and far beyond into the swimming sea of stars

The cosmic fish they love to kiss
They're giving birth to constellations
No riffs and oh no reservation
If they should fall you get a wish or dedication
May I suggest you get the best
For nothing less than you and I
Let's take a chance as this romance is rising over before we lose the lighting
Oh bella bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Do do do do do

You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Of crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger, of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

May I suggest you get the best
Of your wish may I insist
That no contest for little you or smaller I
A larger chance yet, but all them may lie
On the rise, on the brink of our lives
Bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Bella luna
My beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other, oh oh oh

#16 Inspired To Update

I was supposed to sleep but, what the heck... here I am.

Had two concurrent MSN conversations and read one good long blog entry from the brother who commented on my previous post. T.H-A_N~K+S! A Billion to all three of you.

I sure am not at all qualified to say this, but I'm proud of y'all.

Its funny how my energy levels peak at 3am in the morning.

And a shout out to Jeremy and Samuel who are still awake sitting at the same computer terminal 3am in the morning. I wonder what you two are doing there...hmmm.

It's funny, because just a week ago I had my Medical Check-up. I fainted after they pricked my middle finger for a blood sample. Well, blacked out. So if anyone wants to check out if the blood they're seeing is real or synthetic, just call me along; if I faint its real and vice versa. The funny thing is this, when they drew one vial of blood after that I didn't black out.

The medic said it was due to some form of shock (can't remember the exact terminology). Well I researched and I surmise that this is what happened: when I saw the blood my heart started beating faster. Because of that the body's sensory functions recorded (falsely) an excess of blood pressure in the heart when the blood pressure was normal to low. As a result blood is pumped out of the heart and I black out due to low blood pressure in the heart. (I guess, I'm no cardiologist, but it doesn't hurt trying to find out)

I'll admit this, but while I was at the stage of blacking out, I was like...omigosh don't die (even though I've experienced it like tons of times, e.g. P6 B.C.G, Sec Sch vaccinations which I never fail to black out). I'm still so young. Retarded I know, but hey, when your in that situation, tell me about it.

And a good piece of news. I'm no longer going to be a "bracist" a.k.a someone who wears braces according to the folks at RP, in less than 12 hours' time. MWAHAHAHAHAHA, NEL. :D

But that's all a nice cover for existing issues I'm avoiding. God bless me with the real stuff at hand. Let me hold You by the tip of Your sleeve if need be; I never want to let go again. Ever. Give me a peace of mind to overcome guilt. Courage to overwhelm my instinctive fear and trust to believe in You and therefore myself because as it stands, I'd rather entrust my life to someone else to live rather than believe in what You have ordained for me. Oh and Kelvin's exams are here. Let him lift it up to You. This brother's been sorely missed during his time in Germany, but I thank You for our catch-up. And Jason's trip to Hong Kong. His green apple muffins are quite good according to my family. Make them better, 'cos I haven't tried them yet.

From a cheeky and naughty little child of Yours.
Amen.

#14 Like A Tango Out Of Control

Out of control.

I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins.

#13 Confessions of An Idiot

An idiot. That's me through and through. Decisions I've made and paths I've chosen to follow. I've always had this subconscious leaning towards taking the easy way out; running away. And tonight, tears threatened to flow.

Why? Because of the simple gesture of my dad buying supper for me.

Two letters came today informing him of my skipping classes, of which I was feeling uneasy of him knowing. He still doesn't know yet, but I guess it just ate me up when he bought supper. To think I still have not have the courage to sort out my PP, FYP and the promises I've made but have yet to fulfill. Things that I put off indefinitely when I started running away.

Nothing's ever going to be the same. There's always this cloud choking me whenever I turn to face my past. And up till now I haven't had the strength, determination nor courage to stand up to my inner demons. I can't say, "Ah well, too bad," and give up, but I really don't know what to do. It would very much be better restarting from a clean sheet, not knowing anyone at all and rebuilding everything from scratch but that's just my inner weakling speaking. Picking up the pieces sure is hard when you don't know how.

And yet God brought a little respite today. After catching Dilys' performance (Revelations, an Indian Cultural Performance) at TRCC today (most of the RP group; I wouldn't go otherwise, because I would have lacked the interest or the effort) some of us took dinner/supper together before heading home. It was then I had a good chat with a brother who received Christ just after I had left and whom I never really got the chance to know. It was a very heart to heart and open conversation where we talked briefly about our fears, our struggles and emphatised with each other. I'm glad I've found a kindred spirit in him, because it is good to know (ironically) a fallible human being as I am in such an honest way.

On a side note, along the way back towards the station after the performance at TRCC I was asked to do a testimony in Caregroup. I declined. It really is a pity as I personally feel I am in no way ready to share one, given the lack of hope and self-confidence. I was really looking forward to blessing the rest with some testimonies but I really am in no condition for that.

Another honest confession I have to make is this; after I had left, I practically stopped logging onto my MSN, with the excuse that there was no one to talk to. In truth, I was just running away from the many people whom I subconsciously knew would ask about me. What a sorry contradiction, huh?

Amazing how I got so much down in so little time. My mind really is in a jumble now, but it really feels so much better to put everything down and out of that already stifled heart of mine. The troubles will not go away with just this but at least I feel slightly better. Perhaps in time I might find the courage to pen more sensitive confessions down, so that I may see clearer and live my life in victory once again.

You know, I've always wondered what was good about me. I never could find any. Amazing how we humans look at ourselves only one on side of the coin.

#12 December

I came on with so much to say, yet all I can remember now are these few words.

I.
Can.
Give.
You.
Gatsby.

Pardon my delirium. I've not exactly been myself these few days. No wait, who am I?

Do I sense fear in myself?

#11 Lifehouse: Everything

CG yesterday was a particularly powerful time. Maybe it's because I haven't been there for so long. In no particular order, but rather by strength of impression I recall...

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5 First I'd like to introduce a video that Jovin showed us in CG.

The lyrics struck me hard. It was a feeling I seem to have forgotten ever since running away. To think I heard that song even before I was a believer, but yet put so little thought to its meaning until now. I guess I assumed that all commercialised shows used secular music (Smallville). Guess not.

You know, Nehemiah's got a unique way with expression. Expressing himself. And that has always been my weakness but I'll cut straight to the point. Nehemiah was earnestly sharing his testimony (the whole deal, from non-believer to believer to backslider to rededication to present). And guess what? To others it may mean nothing, but in the span of half an hour, he spoke exactly what I felt, when I felt, how I felt, why I felt in his testimony, during my time of running away.

He's a pretty amazing brother. Nehemiah I mean. And in so many ways. And its been a long time since I've felt about anyone that I have personally shared life in the day to day. I guess since Alvin? Hearing him share his testimony reminded me of the song, Killing Me Softly With His Song. Why? Listen to the lyrics and you'll understand.

And as tulmultous as the journey running away has been, so has it been finding the courage to come back. Honestly, with each brother and sister I met and spoke to, even briefly, I felt the sting of guilt and shame. The guilt of running away. And of falling apart in many aspects of my life during that dark period. Some things I held on dearly, others I lost in my blind struggle. But nothing I felt was more wasteful than the time that I have lost.

It'll be hard starting from square one. It'll be hard beating back my fears. But at least I am back. And if it is not too much to ask, I'd just like to be reminded and refreshed of my direction. That way at least when troubles come a-knocking, I still know where I'm heading.

#10 I'm Back

I'm finally back. Glad. Grateful too, for everyone's gracious open arms. I'd always had that feeling that when/if I try to make a u-turn, I'd find a concrete hard wall facing me, especially with different people. Guess that's just not true. Thanks everyone for the chance.

But still I see myself running away from the little fragments that continue to instil fear in me. Things just don't change overnight.

Lord I ask for more courage. By instinct I flee too easily. By truth You promised to set me free, to let me live a life in contentment.

:) I only like you. No one else.