Double post.
I'm looking for a leader but I don't see one in sight. You don't get more lost than this.
Angry and frustrated.
Yes I am.
Come on, speak to me someone. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me where I'm wrong. Otherwise I'll keep thinking I'm right till its too late.
God...
*Edit* Should I keep it all inside and blow up or should I say it out and prepare to "contain the consequences"?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
#23 After All The (Perceived) Magical Atmosphere & Glitter
I'm back to Earth. Seriously.
And once again I'm at a loss of meaningful words. Could just be the alcohol still in my system, or a chronic thing.
I'm finding myself being more and more affected by what is said around me, try as I might to encourage others.
Honestly, I'm feeling the pinch. The pinch of needing more teachings, more impartation and less empty talk. No one can go on an empty tank. No one should go on an empty tank.
Had a nice talk with Jeff yesterday; we went over to Stephen's chalet; he invited us. It's a pity I could only attend so late; nevertheless I had a fun and rewarding experience; me getting to know Stephen's cousin Derrick and having him share his life story (part of it) in 2 hours of solid heart-to-heart talk as well as hearing from Jeff the Christmas miracle that has forever changed his perspectives. And seeing a different side of Stephen, one of the caring older cousin.
The happenings made me look around myself and try to forsee what comes next if everything is kept status quo. The sight I saw didn't excite me.
Why? Because I didn't see:
Courage
Unity
Impartation
Faith
Humility
Trust
Love
Hope
I saw:
Gossip
Cliques
Self-given direction
Dependence
Opinionated decision-making
Responsibility-driven goals
Nothing of which reminded me remotely of God's love.
And I'm looking at the friends around me who care and I'm thinking. What in the world is wrong with us?
I can't go on with this masquerade. We turn back to Him, or we slide into oblivion. There is no third choice.
And once again I'm at a loss of meaningful words. Could just be the alcohol still in my system, or a chronic thing.
I'm finding myself being more and more affected by what is said around me, try as I might to encourage others.
Honestly, I'm feeling the pinch. The pinch of needing more teachings, more impartation and less empty talk. No one can go on an empty tank. No one should go on an empty tank.
Had a nice talk with Jeff yesterday; we went over to Stephen's chalet; he invited us. It's a pity I could only attend so late; nevertheless I had a fun and rewarding experience; me getting to know Stephen's cousin Derrick and having him share his life story (part of it) in 2 hours of solid heart-to-heart talk as well as hearing from Jeff the Christmas miracle that has forever changed his perspectives. And seeing a different side of Stephen, one of the caring older cousin.
The happenings made me look around myself and try to forsee what comes next if everything is kept status quo. The sight I saw didn't excite me.
Why? Because I didn't see:
Courage
Unity
Impartation
Faith
Humility
Trust
Love
Hope
I saw:
Gossip
Cliques
Self-given direction
Dependence
Opinionated decision-making
Responsibility-driven goals
Nothing of which reminded me remotely of God's love.
And I'm looking at the friends around me who care and I'm thinking. What in the world is wrong with us?
I can't go on with this masquerade. We turn back to Him, or we slide into oblivion. There is no third choice.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
#22 Christmas
Boo! My phone decide to do a *out of battery* on me during the Christmas Countdown. I responded by trying (and failing) to get it to mass message Christmas greetings.
I'm hungry. Haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning before napping at 4am. Reached home and stoned in front of the computer till 1pm before realising that I should be sleeping. Slept, woke, slept and voila! I missed the day of Christmas.
RPians! You who were missed during the Christmas countdown:
Timothy Alvin
Elaine
Heng Yu
Pearline (technically not an RP/ex-RP student)
Sharon
Yan Xiang
As for the rest, I think we had a great time at the Countdown Party!
And we've made a new friend in Rina, a resident of East Coast (one of the flats there, not at the park!) who we met in a rather out-of-the-ordinary fashion and who joined us for the Christmas Countdown. It really is God's plan; how He showed us not to look at the outside and into the heart of people.
Looks like it's getting really exciting in here.
I'm hungry. Haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning before napping at 4am. Reached home and stoned in front of the computer till 1pm before realising that I should be sleeping. Slept, woke, slept and voila! I missed the day of Christmas.
RPians! You who were missed during the Christmas countdown:
Timothy Alvin
Elaine
Heng Yu
Pearline (technically not an RP/ex-RP student)
Sharon
Yan Xiang
As for the rest, I think we had a great time at the Countdown Party!
And we've made a new friend in Rina, a resident of East Coast (one of the flats there, not at the park!) who we met in a rather out-of-the-ordinary fashion and who joined us for the Christmas Countdown. It really is God's plan; how He showed us not to look at the outside and into the heart of people.
Looks like it's getting really exciting in here.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
#21 Xmas Service!
To RP:
Two new siblings-in-Christ who dedicated their lives to Jesus today (as in Saturday, 22 December 2007):
1. Emily (the strange) - got a pink bunny for a present
2. Chun Kwee - got an Inuyasha memento for a present
&
1. Jaslyn, who rededicated recently! We just met her the previous week during Saturday, but God really bonded her to us! It could only have been through Christ! - got a triangle/heart(?) shaped plushie
Congratulations to all of you; the road ahead is a long but fruitful and exciting experience! Receiving Christ doesn't make you a perfect person, but it brings you closer to the one perfect Father we have in God, and to the perfect role model in Christ, so that day by day we are moulded to become more like Him!
My personal journey:
Today I learnt something about myself and my walk in Christ in the RP ministry; I'm falling more and more in love with this group that I share my life with after I backslided and came back.
I still remember the time when I received Christ, my sense of spiritual responsibility for serving and supporting the group really was because of being "Senior" to the rest somewhat and as people came and left, my motivation was really shaken. Time and again I did not manage to learn to love the group, because I was focused on the deed and not the motivation.
It was only after I left and came back that things started to change as my perspectives change.
I'm very appreciative of the care and concern that everyone showed to me, especially the ones beyond RP because I can sense that everyone truly is sincere. It makes me feel so loved and yet so undeserving, and often more than not i tend to stick to my comfort zone of reaching out to the people who care and say in a personal way, "Hey, I'm really grateful in ways I cannot describe". Every single soul who touched me through their caring actions have contributed to growing me to be one more caring and mature person, being vessels of God.
And yet another startling realisation about myself is this:
I compromise my lack of venturing out of my comfort zone by expanding my comfort zone.
Even though I may seem outgoing, it really is the inward personality in me accept more people into the "inner circle" rather than stepping out.
Which makes me thankful time and again that people seek me out when I would always have wished I made the first step, though I never seem to do so.
And I really have a lot of thank you's to say to everyone in who has blessed me with rich and fruitful conversations, whether over MSN, or other forms of communication, because I get to learn more about others and myself through communicating and drawing out my inner thoughts.
And thanks for the card Jas, I will reply to you through another card. Thank you for your thoughtful gesture. :)
And P.S. Xueping, remember to send me that photo we took together okay! I'm out of suitable msn display pictures. And thanks a million for encouraging me at my low points. If you do need someone to talk to, I'll be here. :D
You know what? God is working. And as much as I am physically drained to my barest minimum, I cannot deny that growing with this wonderful but of Hope-ful people makes me recharge with strength I can get from nowhere other than God. Let's keep looking upward and caring sideways!
And tomorrow, I shall update again. Because my brain feels like it's squeezed dry, I shan't delay sleep's inevitable onslaught any further, lest I mess up tomorrow's schedule.
Two new siblings-in-Christ who dedicated their lives to Jesus today (as in Saturday, 22 December 2007):
1. Emily (the strange) - got a pink bunny for a present
2. Chun Kwee - got an Inuyasha memento for a present
&
1. Jaslyn, who rededicated recently! We just met her the previous week during Saturday, but God really bonded her to us! It could only have been through Christ! - got a triangle/heart(?) shaped plushie
Congratulations to all of you; the road ahead is a long but fruitful and exciting experience! Receiving Christ doesn't make you a perfect person, but it brings you closer to the one perfect Father we have in God, and to the perfect role model in Christ, so that day by day we are moulded to become more like Him!
My personal journey:
Today I learnt something about myself and my walk in Christ in the RP ministry; I'm falling more and more in love with this group that I share my life with after I backslided and came back.
I still remember the time when I received Christ, my sense of spiritual responsibility for serving and supporting the group really was because of being "Senior" to the rest somewhat and as people came and left, my motivation was really shaken. Time and again I did not manage to learn to love the group, because I was focused on the deed and not the motivation.
It was only after I left and came back that things started to change as my perspectives change.
I'm very appreciative of the care and concern that everyone showed to me, especially the ones beyond RP because I can sense that everyone truly is sincere. It makes me feel so loved and yet so undeserving, and often more than not i tend to stick to my comfort zone of reaching out to the people who care and say in a personal way, "Hey, I'm really grateful in ways I cannot describe". Every single soul who touched me through their caring actions have contributed to growing me to be one more caring and mature person, being vessels of God.
And yet another startling realisation about myself is this:
I compromise my lack of venturing out of my comfort zone by expanding my comfort zone.
Even though I may seem outgoing, it really is the inward personality in me accept more people into the "inner circle" rather than stepping out.
Which makes me thankful time and again that people seek me out when I would always have wished I made the first step, though I never seem to do so.
And I really have a lot of thank you's to say to everyone in who has blessed me with rich and fruitful conversations, whether over MSN, or other forms of communication, because I get to learn more about others and myself through communicating and drawing out my inner thoughts.
And thanks for the card Jas, I will reply to you through another card. Thank you for your thoughtful gesture. :)
And P.S. Xueping, remember to send me that photo we took together okay! I'm out of suitable msn display pictures. And thanks a million for encouraging me at my low points. If you do need someone to talk to, I'll be here. :D
You know what? God is working. And as much as I am physically drained to my barest minimum, I cannot deny that growing with this wonderful but of Hope-ful people makes me recharge with strength I can get from nowhere other than God. Let's keep looking upward and caring sideways!
And tomorrow, I shall update again. Because my brain feels like it's squeezed dry, I shan't delay sleep's inevitable onslaught any further, lest I mess up tomorrow's schedule.
Friday, December 21, 2007
#20 Midnight's Past
I'm one year older. An a shoutout to fellow 21st December birthday boy Samuel! Wo men lao le. LOL. No monumental significance for me this year though; the next big change is in my 21st birthday.
Home. Sick. Whole day. Not home-sick, because I've been home the whole day I almost felt sick of it; rather I was taken ill by the sleep-too-late bug. As such, I felt like I was melting into a puddle of mud at some corner in my house. Thanks for the greetings though, made me feel better.
Jiayou everyone. This is directed at myself as much as it is for the random viewer. A little bit a day counts. Doesn't matter what comes your way; it's how you respond. Magnify the problem versus magnify God. Choose wisely!
I was not born to fulfil my own purpose, but rather the one that He set up for me.
Home. Sick. Whole day. Not home-sick, because I've been home the whole day I almost felt sick of it; rather I was taken ill by the sleep-too-late bug. As such, I felt like I was melting into a puddle of mud at some corner in my house. Thanks for the greetings though, made me feel better.
Jiayou everyone. This is directed at myself as much as it is for the random viewer. A little bit a day counts. Doesn't matter what comes your way; it's how you respond. Magnify the problem versus magnify God. Choose wisely!
I was not born to fulfil my own purpose, but rather the one that He set up for me.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
#19 X'mas Shopping!... With A Twist!
Today's CG was mind-blowing. Mind-blowing.
Why? I shall recap in random fast-flying thought bubbles as much as I can. I have so much to say yet so little brain juice. The headache's irritating.
Anyway had X'mas SHOPPING WITH THE PEOPLE FROM RP! I didn't buy anything, but I really enjoyed myself today!
And all the while I'd thought I'd never enjoy shopping. I never did before anyway.
But seriously, it's not about the activity, but about the people and about the reason behind it! I believe God is working to bring RP back into unity. Unified as one in Christ!
And today I finally realised something.
In the days when I was dead in my sin, far and away from the Cross, I prayed to God whenever I cried, whenever I misbehaved and was punished, wondering if there was a better future, one better than living my life trying to be just another living life for the sake of it.
God answered my prayer with RP.
And when I ran away, left His side for a false path, I prayed that I could start anew.
God answered my prayer with a fresh sheet of paper. On top of the page, it said RP.
And thats where I knew I belonged.
He gave me the forgiveness I seeked, though not directly, but through RP, through the rest of the Church.
Even when I made mistakes, stupid mistakes, He guided me back to Him.
And It's not just RP.
I'm no superman. But so what? My weakness is made perfect in Christ. And so is everyone else who put their trust in Him.
You know what I see ahead? Victory if everyone would look to empathy for others. Because each time I see myself looking at my weaknesses, my individuality, I lose sight of the God who has pulled me through and through.
My final destination? I'm sure of it.
Who cares if I don't have all the worldly riches. As long as my conscience is clear and my heart is right, I will never live a day fearing the nightmares that might come.
But for now, I just have one thing to say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JC AND MYSELF!"
The RP today was not always like that. And it will not stay like that.
Why? I shall recap in random fast-flying thought bubbles as much as I can. I have so much to say yet so little brain juice. The headache's irritating.
Anyway had X'mas SHOPPING WITH THE PEOPLE FROM RP! I didn't buy anything, but I really enjoyed myself today!
And all the while I'd thought I'd never enjoy shopping. I never did before anyway.
But seriously, it's not about the activity, but about the people and about the reason behind it! I believe God is working to bring RP back into unity. Unified as one in Christ!
And today I finally realised something.
In the days when I was dead in my sin, far and away from the Cross, I prayed to God whenever I cried, whenever I misbehaved and was punished, wondering if there was a better future, one better than living my life trying to be just another living life for the sake of it.
God answered my prayer with RP.
And when I ran away, left His side for a false path, I prayed that I could start anew.
God answered my prayer with a fresh sheet of paper. On top of the page, it said RP.
And thats where I knew I belonged.
He gave me the forgiveness I seeked, though not directly, but through RP, through the rest of the Church.
Even when I made mistakes, stupid mistakes, He guided me back to Him.
And It's not just RP.
I'm no superman. But so what? My weakness is made perfect in Christ. And so is everyone else who put their trust in Him.
You know what I see ahead? Victory if everyone would look to empathy for others. Because each time I see myself looking at my weaknesses, my individuality, I lose sight of the God who has pulled me through and through.
My final destination? I'm sure of it.
Who cares if I don't have all the worldly riches. As long as my conscience is clear and my heart is right, I will never live a day fearing the nightmares that might come.
But for now, I just have one thing to say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JC AND MYSELF!"
The RP today was not always like that. And it will not stay like that.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
#18 One.1.
It's funny, I guess the lack of sleep has reduced my consciousness to only two possible emotions.
1. Craziness (the out-of-control-happy sort)
2. Emo-ness (the "stoner dude" sort)
Mwahaha. One.1. My personal (open) secret. Less than 24 hours.
Did I ever say, JJ Lin rocks? His songs ba, I don't idolize. LOL
-owned.
Edited: 1 brother/sister a day keeps the Devil away. Talk to all one at a time till everyone's united.
Genesis 11:6 The Lord said," If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.
We.Can.Do.It.RP.Style.
PBL.Love.For.Man.
LOL.But.True.
The.Word.Says.So.
1. Craziness (the out-of-control-happy sort)
2. Emo-ness (the "stoner dude" sort)
Mwahaha. One.1. My personal (open) secret. Less than 24 hours.
Did I ever say, JJ Lin rocks? His songs ba, I don't idolize. LOL
-owned.
Edited: 1 brother/sister a day keeps the Devil away. Talk to all one at a time till everyone's united.
Genesis 11:6 The Lord said," If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.
We.Can.Do.It.RP.Style.
PBL.Love.For.Man.
LOL.But.True.
The.Word.Says.So.
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