#167 The Irony

There is no iron in irony.

Okay that was lame.

And yet, gaining weight for me, unlike the vast majority of the world's population, is nigh impossible.

Losing it is easier than *alphabets*.

Just like how shampoo-ing is a luxury. And it's not because we can't afford it.

We just don't have enough of those black extensions that are supposed to sprout, covering our otherwise reflective scalp.

I'm talking about the NSmen.

*Gulps* 13 days to losing my crowning glory.

19 days to age plus one.

Less than 24 hours to the meet-up with Lester.

Less than 2 days to the meet-up with Jerrome a.k.a. MNG (Mr Nice Guy).

Less than 3 days to the meet-up with Jun Wei & Elaine.

And less than 12 hours to work.

New friends at work, and more practice teaching people how to handle the monotony of the job.

And yet I feel as empty as ever.

Perhaps defeated would be a more apt word.

I wonder when I'll let go of my heart and believe once more.

I'd like to smile at the world, and tell it, it's okay to be imperfect.

Just love each other.

That's what's driving us forward, upward.

#166 Up In Arms!

How life has played everyone a fool.

How things have got back to square zero.

How understanding has degenerated comprehension.

How contradictions have come to light.

How the perpendiculr threads of life lie in preternatural incongruence.

How little sense I make of my surroundings in the drunkenness of the moment.

Why was I chosen?

How I wish I was blissfully unaware.

Because reality isn't cruel. It's just incomprehensibly unintelligible.

The darkness sure reveals some inscrutable odd-ball nuances.

Just as the light obscures...

Pardon my intentional belligerent persiflage.

But that's just frustrating.

And I wonder at my superfluous adjectival use.

#165 Solitaire

Here I am, in front of the computer, playing solitaire and listening to music.

Here I am, but where am I?

#164 In The Distance

As I was on the train back home, I looked to the distance. As if trailing the setting sun, a burst of redness swelled across the horizon.

Somehow, I felt a stirring, an urgency within me.

Fast forward to the slow walk home;

In Everything There Is A Gift

In tears, there is consolation
In pain, there is healing
In remorse, there is forgiveness
In anger, there is respite
In disgrace, there is humility
In separation, there is memory
In rejection, there is another door

And yet,

To love deeply, is to hurt deeply. And I know that despite all my faults and failings, there is One who loves me deeply, and who because of my distance, hurts deeply.

But still I cannot find the courage, to return, to seek His forgiveness, to enter His sanctuary. Because, the fear I have is perhaps as strong as the anger that I feel within.

People may fail us, but how many utterly destroy us by neglect?

As I looked into that redness, I feel the emotions I have felt and am feeling, that just as red is the colour of blood, so is it the colour of love.

And yet, because of all my failings I cannot go back.

So here, I am, observing, my doubts caged in, my fears suppressed, my anger repressed.

But hey, at least I can smile.

Why? Don't know, I just try.

#163 This Is So Not Myself

I busted close to $150 on clothes just yesterday.

What's so weird?

Shock #1:

I don't shop. Ever. Until now. That is if you don't count the trips to the wet market with dad as of my old part-time job. Or the fact that I visit NTUC regularly to stock up on unhealthy but necessary food for the larder.

Okay, I pretty much failed in making my point.

Shock #2:

I don't like to spend. Except maybe that close to $100 on 1 blazer. Really. *innocent face*

So happily I went home, admiring what I've bought. I even went home and tried it all on once more.

Thank God for my vanity. Because I realised *GASP* the zipper on the jeans is defective.

Imagine going to a wedding dinner without zipping up your jeans. Not a nice thought.

So now I have to lug my lazy ass all the way back to Bugis Street (which by the way has serious oxygen deprivation issues) just to get a change (or a refund).

Damn, why did I even bother.

#162 My Brain Is Down

And my head throbs.

And I suspect it's not because I've just realise I have a tummy.

Oh well.

#161 In The Night

That night I dreamt
So real it seemed

My life would end
As broken sand

In tears I woke
And took a look

The fear so clear
It came so near

The hours passed
Until at last...