Out of control.
I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
#13 Confessions of An Idiot
An idiot. That's me through and through. Decisions I've made and paths I've chosen to follow. I've always had this subconscious leaning towards taking the easy way out; running away. And tonight, tears threatened to flow.
Why? Because of the simple gesture of my dad buying supper for me.
Two letters came today informing him of my skipping classes, of which I was feeling uneasy of him knowing. He still doesn't know yet, but I guess it just ate me up when he bought supper. To think I still have not have the courage to sort out my PP, FYP and the promises I've made but have yet to fulfill. Things that I put off indefinitely when I started running away.
Nothing's ever going to be the same. There's always this cloud choking me whenever I turn to face my past. And up till now I haven't had the strength, determination nor courage to stand up to my inner demons. I can't say, "Ah well, too bad," and give up, but I really don't know what to do. It would very much be better restarting from a clean sheet, not knowing anyone at all and rebuilding everything from scratch but that's just my inner weakling speaking. Picking up the pieces sure is hard when you don't know how.
And yet God brought a little respite today. After catching Dilys' performance (Revelations, an Indian Cultural Performance) at TRCC today (most of the RP group; I wouldn't go otherwise, because I would have lacked the interest or the effort) some of us took dinner/supper together before heading home. It was then I had a good chat with a brother who received Christ just after I had left and whom I never really got the chance to know. It was a very heart to heart and open conversation where we talked briefly about our fears, our struggles and emphatised with each other. I'm glad I've found a kindred spirit in him, because it is good to know (ironically) a fallible human being as I am in such an honest way.
On a side note, along the way back towards the station after the performance at TRCC I was asked to do a testimony in Caregroup. I declined. It really is a pity as I personally feel I am in no way ready to share one, given the lack of hope and self-confidence. I was really looking forward to blessing the rest with some testimonies but I really am in no condition for that.
Another honest confession I have to make is this; after I had left, I practically stopped logging onto my MSN, with the excuse that there was no one to talk to. In truth, I was just running away from the many people whom I subconsciously knew would ask about me. What a sorry contradiction, huh?
Amazing how I got so much down in so little time. My mind really is in a jumble now, but it really feels so much better to put everything down and out of that already stifled heart of mine. The troubles will not go away with just this but at least I feel slightly better. Perhaps in time I might find the courage to pen more sensitive confessions down, so that I may see clearer and live my life in victory once again.
You know, I've always wondered what was good about me. I never could find any. Amazing how we humans look at ourselves only one on side of the coin.
Why? Because of the simple gesture of my dad buying supper for me.
Two letters came today informing him of my skipping classes, of which I was feeling uneasy of him knowing. He still doesn't know yet, but I guess it just ate me up when he bought supper. To think I still have not have the courage to sort out my PP, FYP and the promises I've made but have yet to fulfill. Things that I put off indefinitely when I started running away.
Nothing's ever going to be the same. There's always this cloud choking me whenever I turn to face my past. And up till now I haven't had the strength, determination nor courage to stand up to my inner demons. I can't say, "Ah well, too bad," and give up, but I really don't know what to do. It would very much be better restarting from a clean sheet, not knowing anyone at all and rebuilding everything from scratch but that's just my inner weakling speaking. Picking up the pieces sure is hard when you don't know how.
And yet God brought a little respite today. After catching Dilys' performance (Revelations, an Indian Cultural Performance) at TRCC today (most of the RP group; I wouldn't go otherwise, because I would have lacked the interest or the effort) some of us took dinner/supper together before heading home. It was then I had a good chat with a brother who received Christ just after I had left and whom I never really got the chance to know. It was a very heart to heart and open conversation where we talked briefly about our fears, our struggles and emphatised with each other. I'm glad I've found a kindred spirit in him, because it is good to know (ironically) a fallible human being as I am in such an honest way.
On a side note, along the way back towards the station after the performance at TRCC I was asked to do a testimony in Caregroup. I declined. It really is a pity as I personally feel I am in no way ready to share one, given the lack of hope and self-confidence. I was really looking forward to blessing the rest with some testimonies but I really am in no condition for that.
Another honest confession I have to make is this; after I had left, I practically stopped logging onto my MSN, with the excuse that there was no one to talk to. In truth, I was just running away from the many people whom I subconsciously knew would ask about me. What a sorry contradiction, huh?
Amazing how I got so much down in so little time. My mind really is in a jumble now, but it really feels so much better to put everything down and out of that already stifled heart of mine. The troubles will not go away with just this but at least I feel slightly better. Perhaps in time I might find the courage to pen more sensitive confessions down, so that I may see clearer and live my life in victory once again.
You know, I've always wondered what was good about me. I never could find any. Amazing how we humans look at ourselves only one on side of the coin.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
#12 December
I came on with so much to say, yet all I can remember now are these few words.
I.
Can.
Give.
You.
Gatsby.
Pardon my delirium. I've not exactly been myself these few days. No wait, who am I?
Do I sense fear in myself?
I.
Can.
Give.
You.
Gatsby.
Pardon my delirium. I've not exactly been myself these few days. No wait, who am I?
Do I sense fear in myself?
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