#26 *From Windez to Elisha* The Resurrection!

...Of my external hard drive. Or rather, the content inside it

Because most of my files got corrupted and certain disk sectors were (irreparably) damaged.

Thankfully, Yan Xiang (a brother who used to be in RP) had his friend recover the files for me. I have now recovered my most treasured files; my personal poem cache and my (video) cache, the one of which I treasure the most is a music video I did for the Ultraman Mebius movie! >_<

That particular file is so important to me because it was done in the span of 3-4hours in the middle of the morning at the Binary Fission camp just after I had gone through an especially trying time (Jovin broke his arm then and I was feeling down). The most miraculous of miracles was that every single part fell into place as if they were meant to be.

Which is to say it isn't my work, but God's. At every step I laid the video track down to correspond with the vision of the completed piece in my mind to match the music, I almost did not have to think. Because it was as if the music was composed for the video.

And we (fellow video editors) all know what a bother audio tracks can be in making or breaking a particular video.

And now I have my magnum opus back in my safekeeping. I feel awesome. Mwahahaha.

Who's Elisha, you may ask; The answer? Windez is Elisha. Before & after.

#25 You Guys Rock!

To Chun Kwee, Emily & Jaslyn

I'm excited and amazed by how you guys all stay up so late to get to know each other more! It really is refreshing.

Matthew 18:3 And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

And so like humble little children you are. I'm impressed and gladdened.

Now, little children, don't sleep to late okay? =P

#24 Looking Out

Double post.

I'm looking for a leader but I don't see one in sight. You don't get more lost than this.

Angry and frustrated.

Yes I am.

Come on, speak to me someone. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me where I'm wrong. Otherwise I'll keep thinking I'm right till its too late.

God...

*Edit* Should I keep it all inside and blow up or should I say it out and prepare to "contain the consequences"?

#23 After All The (Perceived) Magical Atmosphere & Glitter

I'm back to Earth. Seriously.

And once again I'm at a loss of meaningful words. Could just be the alcohol still in my system, or a chronic thing.

I'm finding myself being more and more affected by what is said around me, try as I might to encourage others.

Honestly, I'm feeling the pinch. The pinch of needing more teachings, more impartation and less empty talk. No one can go on an empty tank. No one should go on an empty tank.

Had a nice talk with Jeff yesterday; we went over to Stephen's chalet; he invited us. It's a pity I could only attend so late; nevertheless I had a fun and rewarding experience; me getting to know Stephen's cousin Derrick and having him share his life story (part of it) in 2 hours of solid heart-to-heart talk as well as hearing from Jeff the Christmas miracle that has forever changed his perspectives. And seeing a different side of Stephen, one of the caring older cousin.

The happenings made me look around myself and try to forsee what comes next if everything is kept status quo. The sight I saw didn't excite me.

Why? Because I didn't see:
Courage
Unity
Impartation
Faith
Humility
Trust
Love
Hope

I saw:
Gossip
Cliques
Self-given direction
Dependence
Opinionated decision-making
Responsibility-driven goals

Nothing of which reminded me remotely of God's love.

And I'm looking at the friends around me who care and I'm thinking. What in the world is wrong with us?

I can't go on with this masquerade. We turn back to Him, or we slide into oblivion. There is no third choice.

#22 Christmas

Boo! My phone decide to do a *out of battery* on me during the Christmas Countdown. I responded by trying (and failing) to get it to mass message Christmas greetings.

I'm hungry. Haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning before napping at 4am. Reached home and stoned in front of the computer till 1pm before realising that I should be sleeping. Slept, woke, slept and voila! I missed the day of Christmas.

RPians! You who were missed during the Christmas countdown:
Timothy Alvin
Elaine
Heng Yu
Pearline (technically not an RP/ex-RP student)
Sharon
Yan Xiang

As for the rest, I think we had a great time at the Countdown Party!

And we've made a new friend in Rina, a resident of East Coast (one of the flats there, not at the park!) who we met in a rather out-of-the-ordinary fashion and who joined us for the Christmas Countdown. It really is God's plan; how He showed us not to look at the outside and into the heart of people.

Looks like it's getting really exciting in here.

#21 Xmas Service!

To RP:

Two new siblings-in-Christ who dedicated their lives to Jesus today (as in Saturday, 22 December 2007):

1. Emily (the strange) - got a pink bunny for a present
2. Chun Kwee - got an Inuyasha memento for a present

&

1. Jaslyn, who rededicated recently! We just met her the previous week during Saturday, but God really bonded her to us! It could only have been through Christ! - got a triangle/heart(?) shaped plushie

Congratulations to all of you; the road ahead is a long but fruitful and exciting experience! Receiving Christ doesn't make you a perfect person, but it brings you closer to the one perfect Father we have in God, and to the perfect role model in Christ, so that day by day we are moulded to become more like Him!

My personal journey:

Today I learnt something about myself and my walk in Christ in the RP ministry; I'm falling more and more in love with this group that I share my life with after I backslided and came back.

I still remember the time when I received Christ, my sense of spiritual responsibility for serving and supporting the group really was because of being "Senior" to the rest somewhat and as people came and left, my motivation was really shaken. Time and again I did not manage to learn to love the group, because I was focused on the deed and not the motivation.

It was only after I left and came back that things started to change as my perspectives change.

I'm very appreciative of the care and concern that everyone showed to me, especially the ones beyond RP because I can sense that everyone truly is sincere. It makes me feel so loved and yet so undeserving, and often more than not i tend to stick to my comfort zone of reaching out to the people who care and say in a personal way, "Hey, I'm really grateful in ways I cannot describe". Every single soul who touched me through their caring actions have contributed to growing me to be one more caring and mature person, being vessels of God.

And yet another startling realisation about myself is this:
I compromise my lack of venturing out of my comfort zone by expanding my comfort zone.

Even though I may seem outgoing, it really is the inward personality in me accept more people into the "inner circle" rather than stepping out.

Which makes me thankful time and again that people seek me out when I would always have wished I made the first step, though I never seem to do so.

And I really have a lot of thank you's to say to everyone in who has blessed me with rich and fruitful conversations, whether over MSN, or other forms of communication, because I get to learn more about others and myself through communicating and drawing out my inner thoughts.

And thanks for the card Jas, I will reply to you through another card. Thank you for your thoughtful gesture. :)

And P.S. Xueping, remember to send me that photo we took together okay! I'm out of suitable msn display pictures. And thanks a million for encouraging me at my low points. If you do need someone to talk to, I'll be here. :D

You know what? God is working. And as much as I am physically drained to my barest minimum, I cannot deny that growing with this wonderful but of Hope-ful people makes me recharge with strength I can get from nowhere other than God. Let's keep looking upward and caring sideways!

And tomorrow, I shall update again. Because my brain feels like it's squeezed dry, I shan't delay sleep's inevitable onslaught any further, lest I mess up tomorrow's schedule.

#20 Midnight's Past

I'm one year older. An a shoutout to fellow 21st December birthday boy Samuel! Wo men lao le. LOL. No monumental significance for me this year though; the next big change is in my 21st birthday.

Home. Sick. Whole day. Not home-sick, because I've been home the whole day I almost felt sick of it; rather I was taken ill by the sleep-too-late bug. As such, I felt like I was melting into a puddle of mud at some corner in my house. Thanks for the greetings though, made me feel better.

Jiayou everyone. This is directed at myself as much as it is for the random viewer. A little bit a day counts. Doesn't matter what comes your way; it's how you respond. Magnify the problem versus magnify God. Choose wisely!

I was not born to fulfil my own purpose, but rather the one that He set up for me.

#19 X'mas Shopping!... With A Twist!

Today's CG was mind-blowing. Mind-blowing.

Why? I shall recap in random fast-flying thought bubbles as much as I can. I have so much to say yet so little brain juice. The headache's irritating.

Anyway had X'mas SHOPPING WITH THE PEOPLE FROM RP! I didn't buy anything, but I really enjoyed myself today!

And all the while I'd thought I'd never enjoy shopping. I never did before anyway.

But seriously, it's not about the activity, but about the people and about the reason behind it! I believe God is working to bring RP back into unity. Unified as one in Christ!

And today I finally realised something.
In the days when I was dead in my sin, far and away from the Cross, I prayed to God whenever I cried, whenever I misbehaved and was punished, wondering if there was a better future, one better than living my life trying to be just another living life for the sake of it.

God answered my prayer with RP.

And when I ran away, left His side for a false path, I prayed that I could start anew.

God answered my prayer with a fresh sheet of paper. On top of the page, it said RP.
And thats where I knew I belonged.

He gave me the forgiveness I seeked, though not directly, but through RP, through the rest of the Church.

Even when I made mistakes, stupid mistakes, He guided me back to Him.

And It's not just RP.

I'm no superman. But so what? My weakness is made perfect in Christ. And so is everyone else who put their trust in Him.

You know what I see ahead? Victory if everyone would look to empathy for others. Because each time I see myself looking at my weaknesses, my individuality, I lose sight of the God who has pulled me through and through.

My final destination? I'm sure of it.

Who cares if I don't have all the worldly riches. As long as my conscience is clear and my heart is right, I will never live a day fearing the nightmares that might come.

But for now, I just have one thing to say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JC AND MYSELF!"

The RP today was not always like that. And it will not stay like that.

#18 One.1.

It's funny, I guess the lack of sleep has reduced my consciousness to only two possible emotions.
1. Craziness (the out-of-control-happy sort)
2. Emo-ness (the "stoner dude" sort)

Mwahaha. One.1. My personal (open) secret. Less than 24 hours.

Did I ever say, JJ Lin rocks? His songs ba, I don't idolize. LOL

-owned.

Edited: 1 brother/sister a day keeps the Devil away. Talk to all one at a time till everyone's united.
Genesis 11:6 The Lord said," If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

We.Can.Do.It.RP.Style.
PBL.Love.For.Man.
LOL.But.True.
The.Word.Says.So.

#17 Bella Luna // Jason Mraz

Mystery the moon
A hole in the sky
A supernatural nightlight
So full but often right
A pair of eyes a closing one
A chosen child in golden sun
A marble dog that chases cars
To farthest reaches of the beach and far beyond into the swimming sea of stars

The cosmic fish they love to kiss
They're giving birth to constellations
No riffs and oh no reservation
If they should fall you get a wish or dedication
May I suggest you get the best
For nothing less than you and I
Let's take a chance as this romance is rising over before we lose the lighting
Oh bella bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Do do do do do

You are an illuminating anchor
Of leagues to infinite number
Of crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger, of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other

May I suggest you get the best
Of your wish may I insist
That no contest for little you or smaller I
A larger chance yet, but all them may lie
On the rise, on the brink of our lives
Bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Bella luna
My beautiful beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other, oh oh oh

#16 Inspired To Update

I was supposed to sleep but, what the heck... here I am.

Had two concurrent MSN conversations and read one good long blog entry from the brother who commented on my previous post. T.H-A_N~K+S! A Billion to all three of you.

I sure am not at all qualified to say this, but I'm proud of y'all.

Its funny how my energy levels peak at 3am in the morning.

And a shout out to Jeremy and Samuel who are still awake sitting at the same computer terminal 3am in the morning. I wonder what you two are doing there...hmmm.

It's funny, because just a week ago I had my Medical Check-up. I fainted after they pricked my middle finger for a blood sample. Well, blacked out. So if anyone wants to check out if the blood they're seeing is real or synthetic, just call me along; if I faint its real and vice versa. The funny thing is this, when they drew one vial of blood after that I didn't black out.

The medic said it was due to some form of shock (can't remember the exact terminology). Well I researched and I surmise that this is what happened: when I saw the blood my heart started beating faster. Because of that the body's sensory functions recorded (falsely) an excess of blood pressure in the heart when the blood pressure was normal to low. As a result blood is pumped out of the heart and I black out due to low blood pressure in the heart. (I guess, I'm no cardiologist, but it doesn't hurt trying to find out)

I'll admit this, but while I was at the stage of blacking out, I was like...omigosh don't die (even though I've experienced it like tons of times, e.g. P6 B.C.G, Sec Sch vaccinations which I never fail to black out). I'm still so young. Retarded I know, but hey, when your in that situation, tell me about it.

And a good piece of news. I'm no longer going to be a "bracist" a.k.a someone who wears braces according to the folks at RP, in less than 12 hours' time. MWAHAHAHAHAHA, NEL. :D

But that's all a nice cover for existing issues I'm avoiding. God bless me with the real stuff at hand. Let me hold You by the tip of Your sleeve if need be; I never want to let go again. Ever. Give me a peace of mind to overcome guilt. Courage to overwhelm my instinctive fear and trust to believe in You and therefore myself because as it stands, I'd rather entrust my life to someone else to live rather than believe in what You have ordained for me. Oh and Kelvin's exams are here. Let him lift it up to You. This brother's been sorely missed during his time in Germany, but I thank You for our catch-up. And Jason's trip to Hong Kong. His green apple muffins are quite good according to my family. Make them better, 'cos I haven't tried them yet.

From a cheeky and naughty little child of Yours.
Amen.

#14 Like A Tango Out Of Control

Out of control.

I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins.

#13 Confessions of An Idiot

An idiot. That's me through and through. Decisions I've made and paths I've chosen to follow. I've always had this subconscious leaning towards taking the easy way out; running away. And tonight, tears threatened to flow.

Why? Because of the simple gesture of my dad buying supper for me.

Two letters came today informing him of my skipping classes, of which I was feeling uneasy of him knowing. He still doesn't know yet, but I guess it just ate me up when he bought supper. To think I still have not have the courage to sort out my PP, FYP and the promises I've made but have yet to fulfill. Things that I put off indefinitely when I started running away.

Nothing's ever going to be the same. There's always this cloud choking me whenever I turn to face my past. And up till now I haven't had the strength, determination nor courage to stand up to my inner demons. I can't say, "Ah well, too bad," and give up, but I really don't know what to do. It would very much be better restarting from a clean sheet, not knowing anyone at all and rebuilding everything from scratch but that's just my inner weakling speaking. Picking up the pieces sure is hard when you don't know how.

And yet God brought a little respite today. After catching Dilys' performance (Revelations, an Indian Cultural Performance) at TRCC today (most of the RP group; I wouldn't go otherwise, because I would have lacked the interest or the effort) some of us took dinner/supper together before heading home. It was then I had a good chat with a brother who received Christ just after I had left and whom I never really got the chance to know. It was a very heart to heart and open conversation where we talked briefly about our fears, our struggles and emphatised with each other. I'm glad I've found a kindred spirit in him, because it is good to know (ironically) a fallible human being as I am in such an honest way.

On a side note, along the way back towards the station after the performance at TRCC I was asked to do a testimony in Caregroup. I declined. It really is a pity as I personally feel I am in no way ready to share one, given the lack of hope and self-confidence. I was really looking forward to blessing the rest with some testimonies but I really am in no condition for that.

Another honest confession I have to make is this; after I had left, I practically stopped logging onto my MSN, with the excuse that there was no one to talk to. In truth, I was just running away from the many people whom I subconsciously knew would ask about me. What a sorry contradiction, huh?

Amazing how I got so much down in so little time. My mind really is in a jumble now, but it really feels so much better to put everything down and out of that already stifled heart of mine. The troubles will not go away with just this but at least I feel slightly better. Perhaps in time I might find the courage to pen more sensitive confessions down, so that I may see clearer and live my life in victory once again.

You know, I've always wondered what was good about me. I never could find any. Amazing how we humans look at ourselves only one on side of the coin.

#12 December

I came on with so much to say, yet all I can remember now are these few words.

I.
Can.
Give.
You.
Gatsby.

Pardon my delirium. I've not exactly been myself these few days. No wait, who am I?

Do I sense fear in myself?

#11 Lifehouse: Everything

CG yesterday was a particularly powerful time. Maybe it's because I haven't been there for so long. In no particular order, but rather by strength of impression I recall...

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5 First I'd like to introduce a video that Jovin showed us in CG.

The lyrics struck me hard. It was a feeling I seem to have forgotten ever since running away. To think I heard that song even before I was a believer, but yet put so little thought to its meaning until now. I guess I assumed that all commercialised shows used secular music (Smallville). Guess not.

You know, Nehemiah's got a unique way with expression. Expressing himself. And that has always been my weakness but I'll cut straight to the point. Nehemiah was earnestly sharing his testimony (the whole deal, from non-believer to believer to backslider to rededication to present). And guess what? To others it may mean nothing, but in the span of half an hour, he spoke exactly what I felt, when I felt, how I felt, why I felt in his testimony, during my time of running away.

He's a pretty amazing brother. Nehemiah I mean. And in so many ways. And its been a long time since I've felt about anyone that I have personally shared life in the day to day. I guess since Alvin? Hearing him share his testimony reminded me of the song, Killing Me Softly With His Song. Why? Listen to the lyrics and you'll understand.

And as tulmultous as the journey running away has been, so has it been finding the courage to come back. Honestly, with each brother and sister I met and spoke to, even briefly, I felt the sting of guilt and shame. The guilt of running away. And of falling apart in many aspects of my life during that dark period. Some things I held on dearly, others I lost in my blind struggle. But nothing I felt was more wasteful than the time that I have lost.

It'll be hard starting from square one. It'll be hard beating back my fears. But at least I am back. And if it is not too much to ask, I'd just like to be reminded and refreshed of my direction. That way at least when troubles come a-knocking, I still know where I'm heading.

#10 I'm Back

I'm finally back. Glad. Grateful too, for everyone's gracious open arms. I'd always had that feeling that when/if I try to make a u-turn, I'd find a concrete hard wall facing me, especially with different people. Guess that's just not true. Thanks everyone for the chance.

But still I see myself running away from the little fragments that continue to instil fear in me. Things just don't change overnight.

Lord I ask for more courage. By instinct I flee too easily. By truth You promised to set me free, to let me live a life in contentment.

:) I only like you. No one else.

#9 After The Long Hiatus

I knew I'd come back somehow. Back to this dusty little corner of the (global?) webspace. Except that dust doesn't exist here.

I really am tired. Tired of that little gnawing feeling in my heart. You know, the kind that happens when you've overworked your (physical) heart after a good long run. Only thing the sourness does not expire with rest. I've long thought that that sourness arose as a result of my project conflicts of differences in creative direction, our perceptions of the group's limitations and what not.

Now I know better. It's a greater loss that I fear.

I've long wanted to avoid the topic, but my grandmother has been getting on years. Just months ago she was still pretty much mobile and capable cooking for the family. But in the recent weeks she seems to be a shadow of herself. Sitting in front of the television seems to be the only activity that does not tire her out totally; even walking is a chore.

And I'm starting to fear.

You know, the day when the person who gave me my birth name (that's Wui) and caned me in my childhood in hopes of bringing me up the right way...

The person who promised to buy me a gift when I grow up, though I still don't know what that gift is.

The person who would call me back after school each day after preparing dinner while I spent my time playing with my friends at the playground.

The person who's been through so much hardship in life that I feel ashamed of myself whenever I run away from my own problems.

My brother cried one morning, waking me up with his lamentation at her current state. I think I chewed him out for just being a crybaby, but here I am at a loss. It's been 4 weeks since I last had a night's sleep and even longer since I had one without nightmares.

And yet, I don't know how to express myself in front of her whenever I look into her tired eyes.

I'm tired and I'm pretty sure the rest if the family is too. Now what?

#8 Question

Wo shi bu shi yi jing xiao shi le?

Because it seems that I have.

Go on, world, live your purpose.

Jiu xiang wo shi yi pian bo li.

#7 Midnight Guilt

My very first short film is out; complete with posters, DVD and a proper credits roll. A very big thank you to the cast, Slyvester, Vanessa and Samuel (who worked for nuts just to help us complete the project and get a bit of screen time at the same time) and the crew Jerrome, Simin, Jacelyn (and of course Yours Truly) who spent days mulling over the script, lugging heavy equipment, growing panda eyes staring at the screen as late as 11pm in the night at RP's vista labs as well as enduring my habitual latecoming.

All in all, I'm satisfied. We're students and its a pretty big thing for us.

Guess what? There's FYP 2.

On a side note; I just bought the High School Musical concert soundtrack. Okay, I'm slow by one year. But Drew Seeley and Vanessa Hudgens were awesome okay. I won't bother to name the rest of the cast who are obviously just as good.

And Studio Production is a nightmare.

#6 On A Tuesday Night

It's weird, but I'm glad I'm still getting feelings of guilt here and there. Feelings of regret, feelings of being a failure, of running away.

Of so much I've wanted to do, I've done so little. But then again, it takes little steps to make a big leap forward.

I finally hollered at the class. Screamed. Studio Production is killer on my nerves; especially because of a script that I (and I believe a majority) do not believe in, ill-preparedness and a nagging sense of tiredness. Add a bunch of troublemakers and a tangle of cable wires. Disaster.

Finally I've run dry on brain juice. FYP 1 is moving forward. We just had a review with our FYP advisors (see we're so lucky to have more than one!) and they say the film's pretty "not bad". Shan't think about the subtext. Got a lot more inspiration for the editing but the deadline's coming soon. And I've all but abandoned the flash intro which I oh-so-painstakenly did. Face it, Windez, using filters in Final Cut Pro is so much sleeker and easier!

FYP 2's killing me even before it started. It pains me to no end to see people walking toward a cliff edge and not trying to build a bridge across. Come on, if it comes to that, I'll just build a bridge across myself. I have, however, no guarantees that anyone else who crosses that bridge would survive. Seriously, I'm no mule or slave.

Planning an interesting birthday bash for Sylvester and Jerrome. They're going to get it big time.

And then the silence forces me to face my fears.

I've never liked the prospect of joining a IG. (a.k.a. CCA) Neither do I want or intend to join one. I'm not exactly living the perfect life right now, but if what was once my sanctuary has become a living nightmare, I'm not ready to face my fears now.

Not yet. Not when it still festers like an infected wound.

And don't ask me when. Tell me how.

~Zig

#5 Uh huh

Time is a ticking dynamite
Strength is a fading commodity
Trust is a trickling leakage
Time to do some more work.

Class conflicts.
Piling school work.
Dwindling twinkle time.
Dreadful deadlines.

Can you see the eyebags?

On a side note, the cast and crew visited the Acts Lifestyle bookshop at China Square Central. It stocks an impressive range of Bibles and memorabilia. I bought 4 encouragement cards. Going to scan them in. He he.

Lunch at my dad's restaurant always hits the spot. My treat!

Just viewed a few photos from the past. Brought back memories.

How do you pronounce RISIS?

Ans: Rice-sis

I am a copywriter. Not a copyrighter.

Got a promotional campaign to conceptualise.
Got a studio production to prepare.
Got an FYP2 to conceptualise.
Got an FYP1 to complete.
The list gets shorter.
Or is it just me being delusional.

And I miss the old times. Those.

Darn, it hurts.

~Zig

#4 Dead Lines

Woo... I just found out this morning that I am no longer a part of my original FYP 2 grouping; 9 hours before the deadline. Right now it is 4.20pm and I'm minutes away from the FYP proposal submission deadline. So its 40mins to finish thinking of what to do, how to do what we have to do, who gets to do what, when are the milestones for what we want to achieve and... lo and behold... to forsee the Magnus Opus of our weeks of efforts.

Hardly enough.

*Edit* Some kind soul allowed us 7 hours of respite. Thank you!

Countdown: 14+ days to FYP 1 deadline. GG.

~Zig

#3 New Beginnings

I woke up surprisingly early today; 6.40am. Coming to class was a good thing. At least I don't feel lethargic as I have been the past few weeks. Honestly, I was so out of touch with lessons that I was the only one in class today to wear formal attire. I so don't want to get out of the class. The lesson is terribly long; guess I haven't gotten used to coming back. I still have to get this diploma though.

Outside of class and that oh-so-irritating FYP, I'm working on two scripts. One is for a feature film I intend to commit to in around two years time, going under the working title, The Switch. Two boys, intertwining destinies. The other is entitled Personalities and is to be adapted for a play production, exploring different people in society and what goes under that facade we call the facial expression.

I've been too dreamy these few days...

10 Colonies. 1 Faction. 1 Server. Destroth on Pachelbel.

~Zig

#1 It's Okay

It's been my catch phrase for weeks already.

It's okay.

But it's not. And thanks a million for concern from Dao and Nehemiah. It's okay, I can feel genuine concern. And I know you two are genuine. And a few others whom I've personally expressed thanks; one whom I'm talking to on MSN right now.

Others I'm not so sure and it makes me want to puke when I hear uncalled-for hype.

It's not easy to admit defeat.

On a separate side of things, I am having hell with my FYP. Re-shooting all the scenes. Deadline is 1 month. 1 month isn't enough for anything good. Heck, 3 more months would be more like it. Just like 3 days isn't enough to do anything more than "to complete the exercise and forget about it" video editing.

Half past-six-timing sucks. What you get is half past-six-work.

It's okay. I don't need half-past-six concern. It's really okay. Just let it go.

~Zig

#Prologue Build Up

1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

I remember a prayer Sam once prayed for me way back at 2006 Tertiary Leadership Camp. It was a prayer of courage. And back then I never thought I would be running away from issues like a craven coward.

I look at friends from afar, distancing myself in fear.
Uncalled for or not I do not know, just that fear I feel within burning my insides out.

Never did I in my whole life imagine I would come to the point I am.

I realise I simply cannot make it on many accounts over many areas in many situations. And being away for so long, so far away I have also come to understand in my heart that I need God. And that I have gone so far in such a short time. The temptation of self-indulgent escape has certain proven far too sweet in my time of weakness. And in my weakness I made Zig and it ironically became me.

I still cannot believe how easily manipulated by situations, emotions and fears I am. If self-worth is governed by God then I must have none.

We all need an identity. So when we lose one, we begin to seek another. It is just so natural. Sitting here, one thing just keeps springing forth from the back of my mind.

There is no other source that sustains than God's love. Everything else which claims otherwise is a counterfeit, an usurper, a lie.

And I should not continue living a lie.

It is time to sleep. So much more to do tomorrow.

~Zig