#170 A Loaded Question

One step away from excommunication.

One step into miscommunication.

One step backward for communication.

One way communication.

In many ways I've grown blunt and in-your-face.

In other ways I've hid true feelings.

Because I can't seem to get out of this "lets not screw the world with personal problems" mentality.

I can't even see myself now.

#169 I Looked At The Sky

I should have been asleep two hours ago, because I'm supposed to reveille at 5.30am.

I'm glad I don't have to stay in camp unlike Yong Ren & Yeow Chong (chao SISPEC kias, they'll pass out as 3rd Sergeants at the end of their 6 months training stint in the least).

The downside is that I'm stuck with Recruit for a long time to come, and the most I'll ever become is a Corporal First Class.

Looking back, my first day of work wasn't too bad.

Looking forward, the two years are going to be a big surprise, whether for good or for bad.

Sometimes I just wonder. Was my smile worth it?

#168 Farewell

So long~

It's time to say goodbye~

Because 9 hours later, I enter the next stage of my life; National Service.

#167 The Irony

There is no iron in irony.

Okay that was lame.

And yet, gaining weight for me, unlike the vast majority of the world's population, is nigh impossible.

Losing it is easier than *alphabets*.

Just like how shampoo-ing is a luxury. And it's not because we can't afford it.

We just don't have enough of those black extensions that are supposed to sprout, covering our otherwise reflective scalp.

I'm talking about the NSmen.

*Gulps* 13 days to losing my crowning glory.

19 days to age plus one.

Less than 24 hours to the meet-up with Lester.

Less than 2 days to the meet-up with Jerrome a.k.a. MNG (Mr Nice Guy).

Less than 3 days to the meet-up with Jun Wei & Elaine.

And less than 12 hours to work.

New friends at work, and more practice teaching people how to handle the monotony of the job.

And yet I feel as empty as ever.

Perhaps defeated would be a more apt word.

I wonder when I'll let go of my heart and believe once more.

I'd like to smile at the world, and tell it, it's okay to be imperfect.

Just love each other.

That's what's driving us forward, upward.

#166 Up In Arms!

How life has played everyone a fool.

How things have got back to square zero.

How understanding has degenerated comprehension.

How contradictions have come to light.

How the perpendiculr threads of life lie in preternatural incongruence.

How little sense I make of my surroundings in the drunkenness of the moment.

Why was I chosen?

How I wish I was blissfully unaware.

Because reality isn't cruel. It's just incomprehensibly unintelligible.

The darkness sure reveals some inscrutable odd-ball nuances.

Just as the light obscures...

Pardon my intentional belligerent persiflage.

But that's just frustrating.

And I wonder at my superfluous adjectival use.

#165 Solitaire

Here I am, in front of the computer, playing solitaire and listening to music.

Here I am, but where am I?

#164 In The Distance

As I was on the train back home, I looked to the distance. As if trailing the setting sun, a burst of redness swelled across the horizon.

Somehow, I felt a stirring, an urgency within me.

Fast forward to the slow walk home;

In Everything There Is A Gift

In tears, there is consolation
In pain, there is healing
In remorse, there is forgiveness
In anger, there is respite
In disgrace, there is humility
In separation, there is memory
In rejection, there is another door

And yet,

To love deeply, is to hurt deeply. And I know that despite all my faults and failings, there is One who loves me deeply, and who because of my distance, hurts deeply.

But still I cannot find the courage, to return, to seek His forgiveness, to enter His sanctuary. Because, the fear I have is perhaps as strong as the anger that I feel within.

People may fail us, but how many utterly destroy us by neglect?

As I looked into that redness, I feel the emotions I have felt and am feeling, that just as red is the colour of blood, so is it the colour of love.

And yet, because of all my failings I cannot go back.

So here, I am, observing, my doubts caged in, my fears suppressed, my anger repressed.

But hey, at least I can smile.

Why? Don't know, I just try.

#163 This Is So Not Myself

I busted close to $150 on clothes just yesterday.

What's so weird?

Shock #1:

I don't shop. Ever. Until now. That is if you don't count the trips to the wet market with dad as of my old part-time job. Or the fact that I visit NTUC regularly to stock up on unhealthy but necessary food for the larder.

Okay, I pretty much failed in making my point.

Shock #2:

I don't like to spend. Except maybe that close to $100 on 1 blazer. Really. *innocent face*

So happily I went home, admiring what I've bought. I even went home and tried it all on once more.

Thank God for my vanity. Because I realised *GASP* the zipper on the jeans is defective.

Imagine going to a wedding dinner without zipping up your jeans. Not a nice thought.

So now I have to lug my lazy ass all the way back to Bugis Street (which by the way has serious oxygen deprivation issues) just to get a change (or a refund).

Damn, why did I even bother.

#162 My Brain Is Down

And my head throbs.

And I suspect it's not because I've just realise I have a tummy.

Oh well.

#161 In The Night

That night I dreamt
So real it seemed

My life would end
As broken sand

In tears I woke
And took a look

The fear so clear
It came so near

The hours passed
Until at last...

#160 Just A Thought

Some of us go around believing and trusting in people, trying to empower them in love, in spite of what others think of us,

The image they have of us;

How much lesser we are now because of what we have left behind.

How much we need to listen;

Failing to see it is because of what has happened that has taught us lessons.

Failing to listen instead to our side of the story.

Because the way I see it, you're only interested in my presence in a particular sanctuary.

I see how little you care when in reciprocation I share a bit of myself, you belittle it albeit unknowingly.

And because I firmly believe in two-way communication and refuse to take without giving, I choose to forgo your kindness.

but don't just sit down and complain;

Open your eyes; sometimes the negativity you perceive in others is merely the voice in your own soul.

I will always smile for a friend,

And if I may have the honour that you consider yourself one, so do I.

#159 A Heartfelt Song On A Quiet Night

Cries In The Distance by JJ Lin

Cries in the distance
Cant stop the tremble
Im just awaiting my turn

Hiding will never
Save me forever
The guns gonna get me for sure

Dear God I pray why wont you be my friend
Come to me and take my hand
Like mama would say
Everything will be okay

All I hear is 3 2 1
The scream from the guns
And then 1 by 1
No one gets to run
Someones dad or mom
Sister, brother and son
No no

All I feel is 1 2 3
My tears start to bleed
Smell of roses on my feet

I feel sore
I fall
I call
I crawl


Not because I'm an emo kid, because I love this song.

The feeling of utter helplessness; I've felt it before.

The fact I'm still standing is because I have a friend in Him.

My life is fulfilled by fulfilling the dreams of others.
That is my dream, that another person feels loved, trusted, cared for and reaches his or her potential.
Because no one should feel despair.

#158 MAN

MAN. Manhood. Attitude. Nonchalance.

Okay maybe not. But believe it or not, ten years back I never thought I'd grow up. But then again, back then I didn't know what reality was.

Love was from mom, dad, brothers and grandmother.

Food was from the table.

Allowance came when I asked.

Trust was guaranteed.

Support was assured.

Mistakes were solved with a sorry.

In retrospect, I probably had an easier than anyone else on earth. I never had any critical accidents or made irrevocable mistakes. The most I did was to make a fool of myself (of which I have had my fair share).

I guess the biggest upheaval in life I have ever come across came with making my own decisions in life, particularly my believing in Christ. Though things kind of messed up (though I still believe, just a little less in people) and for a time I slipped into mental isolation, the truth is this; I haven't given up and this life of mine could be so much more. How much more, I don't know. Because between random gossip, I'm haven't gotten a real good picture of the things that lie ahead.

Of the faces that smiled but hid a secret enmity.

Of the words that were spoken that cut right through flesh and blood.

Of the trust that was broken amidst solemn promises.

So as yet another life stage lies before me, I can't help but wonder what's going to change in my life, apart from the sudden hair loss.

Perhaps, I will learn discipline, responsibility, courage and a sense of duty. I'd learn punctuality and make strong bonds with friends in spite (perhaps because) of our common baldness. The daily boredom will be replaced by friendly banter and earnest friendship.

Or perhaps, my fears will take over and I once again fade into quiet existence, as sickles are drawn and from behind blood is spilled. The me I once thought erased would come back, huddling in the corner, defeated. And as despair takes over, I'll give up.

I need a reason. To exist, to strive, to go beyond reactive defeat to proactive success.

And then there was one.

Or is there?

I don't really know. Perhaps you do.

#157 Triple Post Home Run!

Keeping things simple, dreams reachable, is a very fulfilling thing.

Perhaps that's what my life goal's to be.

Wo qi dai de bu zhi shi ai, er shi huo de yi ge you yi yi de ren shen.

期待你的爱 林俊杰

My life 一直在等待
空荡的口袋 想在里面放 一份爱

Why 总是被打败
真的好无奈
其实我 实实在在 不管帅不帅

想要找回来 自己的节拍
所以这一次 我要勇敢大声说出来

期待 期待你发现我的爱
无所不在 我自然而然的关怀
你的存在 心灵感应的方向我一眼就 看出来
是因为爱

我猜 你早已发现我的爱
绕几个弯 越靠近越明白
不要走开 幸福的开始就是 放手去爱.


My life, an eternal wait.
I wish to place some love in this empty space

Why I've always seen defeat
I'm losing my patience
I never really cared how I look outside

I want to find it back, my very own courage
And so this time, I'll say it with boldness right out loud

I hope I dream that you'll discover my love
All the time I feel it naturally within my heart
The presence and flow of your spirit I can see with one glance
All because of love

I guess you've known it all along
After a roundabout, the closer we get the more we understand
Don't walk away, the start of bliss is letting go to love

I won't walk away, not this time.

#156 Double Post In A Day

Thought to ponder:

Is sex really more desirable than knowledge?

Because I see more jocks busting their lives on pleasure than nourishing their minds and bodies.

#155 A Quote From A Friend

"MARGARINE IS ONE MOLECULE AWAY FROM PLASTIC."

Not only is that not right, that's not even wrong. It's a meaningless statement. Saying something is "one molecule away" from plastic is like saying a farm is one letter away from a fart. Water is "one molecule away" from being explosive hydrogen gas.

#154 RAWR!

I feel powerful. I have just bought Sixology.

小酒窩 is the ultimate.

The 粵語版 is beyond ultimate.

And while I bask in my make-believe love, I have one thing to share.

Everyone should get Sixology. It's nothing sensual or cheeky, but pure goodness (talent-wise).

Not that I have any.

But hey, I'm trying.

So says the banana cake.

#153 Who Am I

I am a banana cake.

#152 The Night Makes No Sense

Just as the day is a mess.

Why do beautiful things happen at night, just when we are about to sleep?

Why is most of the day wasted on mindless droning?

Why does the night sky look so beautiful dotted with lights that shine in the dark?

Why does peace reign in the night, when it is said the light is where we find peace?

Why does our heart race only for a moment?

Why does hope come close only in the coolness of the night?

I'd like to know why.

Because "it is so" doesn't cut it for me.

#151 You Know What's Sad? Part 2

#150 You Know What's Sad?

I don't want to go to work. I want to laze around for just a day.

...

...

...

Heck, I'll just go to work. Better than rot at home.

Now that's sad.

#149 Solitaire

Solitaire by Clay Aiken

There was a man, a lonely man
Who lost his love through his indifference
A heart that cared, that went unshared
Until it died in his silence

And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself, it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire

Another day, a lonely day
So much to say that goes unspoken
And through the night, his sleepless nights
His eyes are closed, his heart is broken

And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself it's easy to pretend
She's coming back again

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire

A little hope, goes up in smoke
Just how it goes, goes without saying
Solitaire
And by himself it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire
Solitaire, solitaire




It's not the only game around, but what the heck's wrong with me?

Playing solitaire in spite of my drowsiness, in spite of being bored to tears already.

Maybe I just can't stand the pointless sleep, and never-ending struggle through the day.

Being overworked fine, but I wish the world was two-dimensional.

Because having a dysfunctional department isn't fine.

Add the third-world treatment crap (and not even from my colleagues but some outsiders!) in, simply because you are a temporary staff.

In spite of all that, I am hard-wired to do my job.


You know what's bliss to me?

It's living a two-dimensional existence.

Work's just work, play's just play; all clear-cut and cookie-cutter style.


You know what's life to the fullest to me?

It's a far off want. So far I can't even see it.

Just don't tell me how good that side of the grass is.

It ain't convincing. You look like a mannequin.


At least I can look forward to solitaire. And then some more.

#148 Sigh

If Only, Ultra Galaxy wasn't a pay per view show. I'd like to get my hands on all of the Ultra Series, from Showa to Heisei.

And it bothers me (really!) that I can't catch the Ultra 8 Brothers in theatres. The Ultra Series has a small following of fans culminating in a website here.

And then there's the King of Hell Castle (Kiva), Final Countdown (Den-O) & GekijoBang! (Go-onger) that I haven't watched. ~_~...!

#148 An Angel In The Distance

...Called out to me.

Said that I could be more than who I am. That I could become who I was meant to be.

Told me to come closer, to draw nearer.

I felt that sense of familiarity, of belief, of trust.

And then silence swept in.

You spoke, I couldn't hear. Whispered, yet I didn't understand.

Were I closer, just a little closer, I'd have grasped the essence of your words.

In a span of nothingness, the distance grew.

The things I knew I tried to do.

Beyond myself was the starting point.

Yet beyond that point, the sheet of darkness fell.

Was I too far off?

You seemed to say no, but I couldn't be sure.

Don't self-destruct, there was still hope.

Was that the voice of you from far off?

Or was that just my own mind in self-denial still?

Reason couldn't touch base.

It seems once again I've missed the point.

If only, once more, I'd have a second chance.

I'd choose not to lose it all.

And then some more.

A couple of days back, I was keeping in the laundry in the middle of a thunderstorm. Of course, I was sheltered from most of the rain, because I was technically still in my own home (the balcony).

A series of unfortunate events (pun intended, but no other explanation will be given) occurred, and my anger burned to match the crash of thunder outside.

Suddenly, one of the metal clothes stands (the ones that you put two bamboo poles on top and clip the clothes to them) toppled over, hitting my leg in the process.

I'd like to think that it was my aura of rage that knocked it over, but reality has it that the strong gale knocked it down.

Incensed (and my pride wounded, as an angry man is supposed to destroy, not get hurt; you don't see King Kong hitting a building and breaking a bone) by that unexpected event, I proceeded to give the metal stand a good kick.

What a kick. Ronaldo (or whoever, you get the point) would have been proud. It was a kick that I would never have undertaken in my usual sane (questionable) state of mind. But then again, back then between the thunder and my rage, I was closer to the Dark Side than to think of how my poor leg would suffer.

And so I bore the consequences; Not only did I not succeed in doing any visible damage to the stand, I also gave the sole of my foot a wound; one that would haunt me, impairing my movement for the rest of the day.

In defeat I limped back into the safety of the living room and back to my laptop.

But that's not the end.

A few hours later, I noticed another wound still bleeding; one that had been caused by the initial impact of hard, heavy metal upon baby-like (okay, maybe not) skin, flesh and bones.

OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And so, days later, the wound hasn't healed. It's too big to put a plaster on and the bandages at home are yellow from the years of neglect (plus I'm to lazy to do anything about it).

So each day, when I get home from work, I have a hell of a time pulling the dried blood and plasma from my socks, reopening the wound in the process.

Well done, Windez. Well done.

Which brings to mind a short conversation I had with Sharon a couple of weeks ago when we met in coincidence.

Sharon: You haven't changed at all.
Windez: Yeah, I'm still as dumb as ever. *pokes fingers together*

#147 Voila

To Kenneth: I've updated your blog link =)

Thanks for blog tag.

To the rest of the world:

YOOHOO!

End.

Oh well, back to Engine Sentai Go-onger, bom bom!

Kivatto Ikuze!

#146 Love

It's not that I don't want to. It's that I don't have the courage to.

Maybe I don't trust enough.

But I don't feel safe venturing into uncharted territory, no matter how tempting the "rewards" may seem.

So letting the world spin around past me, I give it a pass once again.

Some say I'll never know what I'm missing till I try.

And that's why I sing the songs I do.

In my heart.

Saturday blues. Because I chose to leave half my life behind.

In my own eyes, I never was good enough.

Not even now.

#145 Who Says Work Cannot Be Interesting?

I say so. And that's why I bring you a short story titled Conversations with A Wedding Planner. It came out as a result of spontaneous rubbish generated from a messenger conversation between a bored me and an equally bored cousin of mine, Evelyn, the sotong.

Here's the first draft. Several lines of text have been switched around for readability's sake. Otherwise, nothing has been edited.

***Start of Conversation***

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

work says:
o.o
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
??
work. says:
nothing
work. says:
rotting at work
work. says:
=x
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
me too
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
I'm rotting even more lah
work. says:
lunch was good tho
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
haha
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
mine was abit crappy
work. says:
lol
work. says:
wel
work. says:
this afternoon
work. says:
HALF of the office will be vacant
work. says:
cos teh other departments have welfare day
work. says:
PLUS my section manager & superior are on leave
work. says:
gg
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
haha
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
so wht you doing?
work. says:
msnig
work. says:
and msning
work. says:
and msning
work. says:
^^
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
at least you have ppl to talk too
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
I'm bored to tears
work. says:
lol
work. says:
then go cry
work. says:
=x
work. says:
no la
work. says:
u can sms/msn me
work. says:
im super bored
work. says:
to boredness bored
work. says:
plus bored
work. says:
times bored
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
what work you doing?
work. says:
9am
work. says:
to 6pm
work. says:
today is 5.30pm since its friday (yay for Civil Service)
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
wert
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
so crappy I still end at 6
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
haiz
work. says:
lol
work. says:
where u work
work. says:
im 15 mins train ride from home
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
I'm about half hour train ride away from home - raffles city
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
oh I'm working at your dad's old restaurant venue
work. says:
LOL
work. says:
serious?
work. says:
china sq central?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
yeah
work. says:
???!!! so zhun?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
yep
work. says:
then jimmy leh?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lol
work. says:
ask him pei u lor
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
dhoby ghaut
work. says:
nearby la
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
he too busy lah
work. says:
lol
work. says:
so
work. says:
what u do usually at work?
work. says:
copypasta?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lolz
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
no
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
I do bookings
work. says:
great
work. says:
i'd like to get married
work. says:
can u arrange fro me?
work. says:
i'll book teh location u find the bride
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lolz
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
not tat kinda bookings idoit
work. says:
oh darn
work. says:
serious?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lolz
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
got such thing one ahz?
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
but next time I wanna be a wedding planner
work. says:
no i was kidding la
work. says:
i alr found a bride
work. says:
its my pillow
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
hehe
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
why is your pillow your bride?
work. says:
we sleep together every nite
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lolz
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
than wat about your blanket and your boaster?
work. says:
well
work. says:
they are my mistresses
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
wert!!!!
work. says:
but recently i've been having problems
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
??
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
why?
work. says:
my wife to be has been ignoring me
work. says:
because i spend too much time staying up late
work. says:
that when i get to bed its almost morning
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
hehe
work. says:
she resents that
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
and wat does she do about it?
work. says:
she turns smelly
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lol
work. says:
i think she needs a wash
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
haha
work. says:
i've always been telling her that
work. says:
but she doesnt agree
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lol
work. says:
she says its a reflex action of the anger
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
-_-"
work. says:
so my mom bought me a new pillow
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
hia you are damn lame sometimes
work. says:
thats why i need a wedding planner urgent
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
haha
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
to get married?
work. says:
yesh
work. says:
and kick away my smelly wife-to-be
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
hehe
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
okok
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
so we shall have the ceremony in your room
work. says:
im not lame btw
work. says:
its prolly my double vision affecting my movement
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
and we'll need you to sign the divorce papers
work. says:
erm
work. says:
thats a problem
work. says:
she ate our marriage cert
work. says:
says we'll be butterfly lovers and she'll always been cinderlala
work. says:
that till death do us part
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
ah
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
when you have a divorce you dun need a marriage cert
work. says:
OH
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
lolz
work. says:
wow thats a relief
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
hehe
work. says:
but there's another problem
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
???
work. says:
she doesnt have hands
work. says:
she'll make use of that as an excuse not to sign the divorce papers
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
it's ok
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
we just need her to stamp her head on it or soemthing
work. says:
but what if she threatens to commit suicide/
work. says:
if she does i'll be a sinner all my life!
Butterfly lovers and cinderalla! says:
than we'll bring in the policee and have her arrested
work. says:
what happens if in the scuffle the fluff in her gets dragged out?
work. says:
i'll be a murderer

***End of first draft***

So how does everyone think of it? Potential? =3

#144 Why I Bother To Number My Posts, I'll Never Know

By the time I attempt to put my thoughts onto e-paper (a.k.a. this blog) my eyes are cloudy and my thoughts are disjointed. It seems my body has come to crave sleep earlier and earlier after I start my temporary job. It's been almost two weeks now and I'm glad to say its working out pretty fine (well, you can't or won't refuse the extra pocket money), and I'm looking forward to my first paycheck in the middle of next month.

And just when I thought things were working out, I received a letter from CMPB. I am going botak/enlisting/losing my freedom/losing my pink I/C on 15 Dec, for 5 & 1/2 days. How cool is that? On the bright side of things, at least I'll be released on either my birthday or the day before that.

And then I realise how boring the whole post is.

But who cares anyway.

The bed's calling.

I'm going to sleep now.

#143 It's All Transient

A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.P.Q.R.S.T.U.V.W.X.Y.Z.

Wonderful. Imeem limits the playback to just the chorus. =/

Ah well. In the meantime I've found another buddy who isn't in NS yet, despite being a graduate. Seems like we're stuck in limbo, for now.

Is it true when we're stuck in limbo, we tend to veer toward negativity?

I'd like time to count backwards.

I'd like to disappear, fade into dust.

I'd like for any emotion other than despondency.

I'd like to feel hope once again.

I'd like to wake up in the morning for once.

Because the night seems so long.

#142 Change

I've realised how much I have changed; have taken note. I prepared myself when I was about to leave, but now I wish I hadn't changed so much.

I've become... acerbic in thoughts, quick to deny and despondent about my existence.

To paint a picture of roses stings my mind thoroughly when I realised how starved I am.

Starved of a sense of direction.

Met Ben after quite a long time. I was late for the movie, but managed to arrive enough to catch most of the action. It was pretty... NC-16 in a few ways, Bangkok Dangerous. After that was a walk from Cathay Cineleisure to Marina Square and then to Bugis for a light meal before Ben went home I continue my outing, this time with my cousins.

It's been a week since I last stepped out of my house. That last outing sucked bad. Eating alone in the middle of town felt pointless, and before I finished my meal I felt bloated.

Not the usual me.

But then again these aren't usual times. or I hope they won't be.

As the past 6 or so months flashed by I realise how life can truly suck. Beyond the literal sense of the word.

It's funny how people who have something to occupy them, be it work or play, move on as if hard-wired for mundane living.

But play, to me nowadays, just doesn't cut it. I feel worse than a pile of porcelain antiques; at least they are, though centuries old, of interest/use in the museums for people hungering for a glimpse of the past.

Me? I'm just there, made obsolete by my absolute lack of interest in life and all mundane things.

I wonder when it all started.

Because I can't hope for a future when I can't even make sense of my present.

#141 Welcome To My Mind

Why do nightmares like to come every night? =/

*Edit*

I guess the "to be continued" was not meant to be.

Because words fail me.

Chapter 2a: The Labour Pangs - The Start Of The End?

What?

Amidst the frosted surroundings, a new... being emerges.

*Edit*

This is long overdue. I realise I cannot write that which I have not experienced or do not know of. So the tale that I had meant to write will be put to rest for now, till the time comes when I am ready.

Chapter 1 can be found here.

#140 Me & My Oreo Cookie

With chocolate cream. Conquering boredom in the new restaurant. *yes! the restaurant has moved!*

It is now located at 32 Kandahar Street (near Arab Street, walking distance from both Lavender & Bugis MRT Station). And I spent an entire day waiting for contractors to come and go while my dad was doing the finishing packing up for the old restaurant location. Today is our last day at China Square Central.

Not going to talk about the details of the day, save for the fact that it was way boring. Oreo & I were having a great time till... I got sick of that uber-sweet taste. Then it was just me alone...

(Remind me never to buy Oreo's with Chocolate Cream. I'm a bland/salt-lover, normal Oreo's will do fine) =X

#139 That Grey Shirt

A reflection of my worn out emotions.

Dad says it is a sort of uniform we wore to granny's passing off/away ceremony. Sounds comforting doesn't it?

And yet even if I were to choose, I couldn't wear anything brighter; my mood then was as grey as the t-shirt.

And several times then, due to some unhappiness and incidental triggers, I found myself walking away from the wake, sitting alone; sometimes crying, sometimes just singing the emotions I had within me.

We have 7 or so of these t-shirts at home.

But in a twist, I feel that granny's passing gave my family something many families in the present era have either forsaken, or lost sight of;

Solidarity. What good is a family if its members are like strangers to each other?

And through the past few weeks as I was helping out at the restaurant I learnt from as well as about my dad many things. The more mundane ones to me are the daily operations and his plans to grow the business. The more intrinsic ones are my dad's motivations, stresses, reactions and most of all, his love.

I also became closer to him and trusted him a whole lot more than I did during the times where I have to admit I strayed in Polytechnic. It has always been drilled in me that there is wisdom in the language of the elders, and I believe that. Somehow, however, through the rush and buzz of daily life I lost track of that wisdom, and was left confused and in disarray.

Though today marks the end of my short tenure in the restaurant because of the restaurant's shift in location, here I stand a changed person for the good.

Today I stand grateful.

#138 It Seems Even My Mind

Has gone random.

These few days I've been remembering people in my life, though not by any external stimuli. I just sit down and suddenly remember someone and ponder about why they were/are in my life and how they have changed it.

Sometimes it just makes me wonder if the happenings are for better or worse. It has come to my conclusion though, that whatever has happened, for better or for worse is independent of that which has happened and reliant on what I make out of it.

Just a few minutes (okay maybe close to an hour) ago, I was sitting there taking my dinner when I suddenly remember someone from my secondary school. It made me wonder how that person is doing right now in life.

That person was someone whom I didn't have the courage to talk to for three over years. And when I finally did, it was all a mess. And then I wanted to run away.

Looking back makes me want to chuckle in nostalgia, but back then it was grave business. *serious face*

I'm not sure why, but deep inside of me, I'm really not a very sociable person. No matter how much I try to be, there's always this hidden fear that things "don't work out right". The feeling is further amplified if I'm in a crowd, and I just space out.

However, I do not as often experience this kind of anxiety in a group of "uncles & aunties", or people at least ten years my senior. I'm not sure why, and probably never will.

I really wonder which long lost friend pops up in my mind tomorrow. On hindsight, perhaps it's my subconsciousness' way of "counting my blessings, the people who have made a difference in my life."

But whatever the case, I'm looking forward to my new life stage in NS soon.

#137 A Song, A Dream, A Conclusion

会有那么一天
林俊杰

一九四三世界大战
阿嬷年轻的时候
爷爷爱他那么多
他们感情很深

但是爷爷身负重任
就在离乡的那夜
给了阿嬷一个吻
轻声说到

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开

因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原听
鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔

看著爷爷湿透的眼
握著他粗糙的手
阿嬷泪水开始流
轻声说道

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开

因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原听
鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开

因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原听
鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

我爱你


It took some time for me to try and put to words a dream that I had three days ago. It was the reason why I posted that I would "update another time; when I have the time."

The night before then I had a little drinking and catch-up session with Jason & Yeow Chong; my secondary school buddies. Both Jason & I couldn't hold our liquor well; Jason was (I know you're going to deny this =P) blabbering gibberish and being all hyper, while I was trying to keep my mouth shut knowing that alcohol is an easy way to making a fool of myself in public. Yeow Chong was, well, the only sober one.

I reached home expecting to hit the sack immediately, but I guess it was not to be. I finally fell asleep possibly half an hour later.


And that's when it all started.

It seemed I came back to a few days just after my granny had passed away. It was probably nearly a week or so, since everyone was back to their normal routine of life. I woke up with fresh tears (in the dream) and habitually went to my granny's room to gaze at her photo (something which I kept at for a few weeks).

To my astonishment, I saw my granny getting up from her bed.

She looked the same, except that she had this dark patches all over her body (I don't know how to describe it, it was as if she was a spectre). I still remember her wearing her blue pyjamas with floral design. She turned to me and acknowledged me with a nod, then went on with her daily activities as if everything was normal. However, her movement seemed mechanic and unearthly (again, I don't know how to describe it; perhaps it was like an engine left unoiled over years).

I was terrified. Though granny was doing her normal activities, it seemed unnatural, and I felt extremely uncomfortable. She seemed so forlorn, yet so stoic. I hid myself. When my parents came back in the evening (again, still in the dream), I told them about the whole episode.

Here's when the dream ended.


I woke up in tears. It took some time before the tears subsided and I went to get myself prepared for work.

As I was in the shower, I thought long and hard at the whole dream. I still don't know why, but upon pondering, it seemed that the whole dream had a message, of which words fall short of.

Straight after her death, I lived my life as if without purpose, as if it was the end. I had never known death before. It came so silently, so quickly, and then life demanded that I move on. I thought that I had gotten over it in the rush of my FYP and when I resolved to pull myself out of being self-destructive in my apathy.

It was like a personal message to me, to stop my griefing; to stop being childish and trying to grasp at the sands of time.

And that's when I realised that I haven't gotten over the whole episode yet.

I guess it's time I finally move on.

#136 A Conversation

siggles. _ officially a pre-enlistee =/ --> Me.

Swordsly <<>> --> Puppy/Jason


siggles. _ officially a pre-enlistee =/ says:
i am camera shy

Swordsly <<>> says:
oh nose

Swordsly <<>> says:
some1 got smashed by a tree

siggles. _ officially a pre-enlistee =/ says:
..

=/

#135 A Random Post

Because I was listening to Yes 933 and finally found the song I've been wondering about for ages.

当你 - 王心凌

如果有一天
我回到从前
回到最原始的我
你是否会觉得我不错

如果有一天
我离你遥远
不能再和你相约
你是否会发觉我已经说再见

当你的眼睛眯着笑
当你喝可乐当你找
我想对你好
你从来不知道
想你想你
也能成为嗜好
当你说今天的烦恼
当你说夜深你睡不着
我想对你说
却害怕都说错
好喜欢你
知不知道

如果有一天
梦想都实现
回忆都成了永远
你是否还会记得今天

如果有一天
我们都发觉
原来什么都可以
无论是否还会停留在这里

当你的眼睛眯着笑
当你喝可乐当你找
我想对你好
你从来不知道
想你想你
也能成为嗜好
当你说今天的烦恼
当你说夜深你睡不着
我想对你说
却害怕都说错
好喜欢你
知不知道

也许可是让我想得太多
也许该回到没我
梦里和相遇
就毫不犹豫
大声的说我要说

当你的眼睛眯着笑
当你喝可乐当你找
我想对你好
你从来不知道
想你想你
也能成为嗜好
啦～啦～
我想对你说
却害怕都说错
还喜欢你
知不知道
啦～啦～

Yeah, since my mandarin's so bad I couldn't catch what the DJs were saying regarding the song title till just yesterday.

And guess who I met today? I was just disturbing Samuel on Facebook about being a murderer. I met the murder victim at the bank today: Vanessa, who was helping us with our FYP 1.

I'm in a random mood today.

Preschool showdown anyone? I'll use my toy cars to ram your sandcastle.

That or Wahjong on Viwawa.

=3

#135 Looking Back, I Asked Myself

How much of my current lifestyle is sustainable in the long term future?

What I mean is how much of what I am doing each day that I can do 60 years down the road.

Late nights are out.

Partying regular is a big no no.

Even strenuous sports might be a little too much to handle.

Because looking through many blogs I came across one thing in common (to many, though not all), a tendency towards partying hard and enjoying the best of youth.

And as the past few weeks in my life have shown, the damage shows only when things are critical.

For example, it's too late when your kidneys are damaged or when the bulk of your physical development has stopped. It's too late when you try to go to the doctors to regain the lost health from almost daily late nights out, pubbing/clubbing and other activities that seem very enjoyable now, only to realise down the road that your body does not heal as well as it did in your twenties.

You're going to ask yourself why you did all that you did and why you didn't do what you should have done. Regret often times come too late; when the results are irreversible.

Perhaps a night out or two per fortnight won't hurt. But anything more than that and you'd be sacrificing your later years on life-long medication.

Education is for a reason. Not to argue with our elders about what's changed in the present compared to the past, but to realise what's important in this path known as life that we all walk along.

#134 It Seemed Like A Lifetime

Since the last post, which was four days earlier.

Not sure how to put it in a more human way, but on the day of Jump, my

Persona

&

Anima

clashed.

Now before anyone goes OMGWTFBBQ?!

I shall explain.

Persona: a person's perceived or evident personality,

Anima: the inner personality that is turned toward the unconscious of the individual contrasted with persona.

Or maybe not. It's all hurting my grey matter. Or white matter. Whatever. Whichever does the thinking.

Let's just put it that I was being hyper in my little own world while not feeling particularly hyper. It's just me seeing/experiencing time gone past with the emotions (or lack of) in the present.

Okay I sense another OMGWTFBBQ?! coming.

Moving on...

Yesterday I learnt something.

The restaurant set menus had prices like $123.90++. Or whatever. The main point is the ++.

Ever wondered what that meant? Or even $123.90+++?

Well according to my (reliable) source (dad), the +++ means:

1. Service Charge (1st +)
2. Entertainment Tax (2nd +)
3. GST (3rd +)

The difference between the Service Charge & the GST is that the Service Charge is taken by the restaurant/outlet/pub/whateveryoucallitIdon'tcare. The GST goes to none other than our...

Gah-Men/Garment/Government. (hey hey! the evolution of Engrish)

And that's all...for now. My brother's bugging me to go on Battle.net so I'll update another time; when I have the time.

#133 It's Dad's Birthday Today

Officially 1 hour has passed midnight.

Just got out from the bath after Jump. I'm glad I went. Not too sure where to start though except the huge nostalgia.

And I revisited my reason for accepting Christ once again.

It's too bad so many people missed it. Sometimes we look too much at how other people have shortchanged us that in our *insert correct word*, we instead shortchange ourselves.

The past few months have been trying but also educational. I dare not say I know the balance of things, but at least I have made a step to realising what is important. Let's just say I will never look at life the same again.

I realise that as I met everyone, I remember them because I care personally about each of them. I used to wonder why I remember all the brothers and sisters; Genuine concern cannot be faked.

So what's up tomorrow? Work.

Hey, one doesn't change overnight.

#132 I Haven't Come Online In Two Days

Such busyness is rare for a sloth like me.

In a random case of selective memory;

Geng Yuan (to Elaine, Heng Yu & myself): "Hey, I treat you all to one plain prata each!"

I'm dead, dead, dead tired.

And so I'm back, for now.

Saturday's Dad's birthday.

Time to sleep.

#131 After All The Fireworks & Fanfare

Heh. Why do I get this feeling that I've been hoodwinked and abandoned once again?

Dear me, am I too easily trusting?

Or just so stupid that I look as if I'm dying to be ripped off.

#130 So It Hasn't Changed

And as the days pass, my mistakes in your eyes grow. You never fail to let go of any mistakes I make; repeating them off the top of your head everyday.

This is not nagging. This is conscience/confidence/future-genocide.

From the cradle to now you've always been planning for my future, keeping important decisions away by saying," it is too much for an immature mind like yours to handle." But you never look back at your past and remember how as an immature mind you had to handle issues far beyond your years.

And then you wonder why I don't care where my life is going.

Its not true.

It's just you want my life to go according to what you plan. And I don't see any shred of space left for me to participate and mould my own future.

No skills, no confidence, no conscience, nothing.

You ask me if I have problems and that I should share with you so you can solve it. Then you tell me how hard you are working and how crappy I have been leading my life.

How then can I tell you the shallowest of my thoughts?

Each time I open up my mouth to speak, you finish the sentence for me in negative ways I could never have thought up.

Are you trying to help me build a positive life through negativity? Or do you just want to see me go to hell if I fail your guidance?

The reason why I don't like to work there is simple; I'm still within that shroud of negativity that somehow my other brothers do not fall in.

In the first place, you don't believe I can make mature decisions. How then can I amount to anything in such a suffocating environment?

And sorry I get up late. That's because I wake up 2 hours earlier than you everyday, when someone goes to school.

To put it in a simple way: It's hard to ask you for help when I am going to get criticised. I'd rather just shut up and learn it the hard way.

By the way, isn't the hard way the way you always learn?

#129 Today...

Or rather yesterday (Saturday) was an experience to say the least.

The bbq went well... except for a few oversights. However the thing which really got to me is this;

How come so many do not reply to repeated announcements about the bbq or do not attend it after indicating they will attend?

There are some exceptions I would like to mention of, such as Jovin and Jeff, both of who replied and were very consistent with their words. (A few others responded pretty promptly too)

But, what about the rest? I have no doubt Jerrome and Jaslyn can testify the effort each of us put in to making it succeed, not to mention the cost. All that effort caused me to crash out in burnout and I almost couldn't make it at all.

But since all's past I'm not going to point fingers or anything, just that I want to make a few points.

1. Preparing the bbq took effort, whether logistics, food-wise or planning. Much effort was wasted in one-way communication and preparing extra food in the likelihood that some who did not reply attended; effort that could have been spent elsewhere.

2. We basically had to throw away half of the food prepared at the end.

3. Respect. Perhaps we aren't the closest of buddies. But we cared to invite. We cared to open the door, even asking specifically if you would come. Sure we, are no VIP or any big shot. But a simple no would have suffice, even if not accompanied by any reasons.

At the end of the day, I am thankful for the people who came, who enjoyed themselves and who went back fulfilled. It has no doubt been an enjoyable experience. But I feel a stirring in my heart to for the sake of my friends, as well as to Jerrome (the main initiator), to speak out so lessons can be learnt.

The money can be earnt back, the bbq can be held another time. But the mistakes once ignored will forever come back till the lessons are learnt.

#128 For Some Reason

...The blogger dashboard has changed during the span of 3 hours. I was just using Jerrome's laptop to update that previous (and rushed personality test).

o_O

Today's been a rushed day to say the least, and I am about to go out still! Had a nap while on the train from Pasir Ris back home. Thank God for the seat.

Tomorrow, our planning and preparation will come to fruition, but it will also mean another long day ahead.

But before all the fun and laughter, I'll be heading down with my family to visit my granny's urn at the temple in the morning. It still is going to be a teary affair for me, as I think will be for my family.

I'm actually quite worried for my dad; he's been working really hard for the past three years and through all these time I've been giving him little comfort but many nights of frustration and worries. Next weekend is his birthday. I'm planning something for him. =)

Through all the pain, the despair and the loss of purpose, I have learnt to smile.

Through all the hard work and bumbling mistakes, I have learnt to improve from the past.

So many challenges ahead, but that means greater heights.

Above all, I'm thankful for all the blessings I didn't deserve, chances I shouldn't have got and peace of mind which should have been others'.

#127

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love. 

ShareThis

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

These subjects could interest youl

iterature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary

#126 The Shadow Of My Past

That I see in another. Only thing that person didn't turn out as I had. Something way more active, more malignant, more aggressive developed. The pain that I know all too well. I feel for that soul but am prevented from helping because the door is closed.

Today I made plans, met the star of Saturday and did preparations. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day heading down to the wet market to buy food, get my personal grooming up to standard (I have to admit in the past two months I cared less about how I look than I cared about anything else) as well as make the final preparations.

At the same time I am reminded that my dad's birthday is the following Saturday. Going to make plans for that one as well. As he is very busy (by choice and by circumstances), I want to accommodate him and show him that I care just as he cares for me. I've been a stupid kid for a good part of my life (and more good years ahead as Puppy puts it), but I don't want to denigrate into an unloving, ungrateful, hate-filled, self-absorbed, impudent creature, unworthy to be called a son.

Don't worry, those negative adjectives are a mental reminder for me to take note.

And on the other side of things, tomorrow I find out if I fail or pass. Not much to do except to wait. Whatever the result I'm not going to fret. I deserve a straight fail. This chance is more than I should have gotten. And I am grateful for that.

To sign it off, just to remind myself, I'm going to confess my undying love for my dad, mom, elder and younger brothers, as well as (and especially) my grandmother who has passed away. In my heart she lives on. I should honour that memory.

#125 Questions

And more questions.

As the clock strikes 12 and Jerrome turns 1 year older, a few conversations on MSN made me questioned beliefs, opinions, ideals, principles and progress.

Why we do what we do.

Why we believe what we believe.

Why we think what we think.

Makes my mind go into overload. There are simply too many possibilities I (as a person, an individual in society, a sapling) can veer to in the short time.

There is this tinge of sadness at the realisation of how I am beheld.

Tinge of sadness at how we as humans (including and especially myself) can choose to ignore beauty and cause for happiness in indulging in our grievances.

The beauty I am talking about is beyond physical; I am referring literally to the sense of happiness.

The more I see, the more I reflect and the more come to question myself; particularly the flawed aspect of my persona.

Am I who I claim to be to others? Am I who others believe me to be? Am I who I believe I am to be? If so, then to what extent? If not, then what am I?

The more I see, the more I behold of behaviour and persona in society, the less I feel I know. What is this limit in my mind that I cannot comprehend that which I cannot comprehend?

I find my grasping at the soil of life, intent on finding more than just solid ground to stand, but the stuff that makes the ground solid.

Why is 1 + 1 = 2? What makes it true? Who determined that? Why do I not question that statement? How much of it is fact? How much of fact is fact? Because fact is not set in stone, how then can I be secure in it?

The more I question the less I know. But I've side-tracked, the purpose of my questioning is to pinpoint this; why are people so fluid; ever changing like the tides in the ocean.

Why do some want me to believe in what they believe yet not want to believe in what I believe in? Where is the balance to the equation? Why are good intentions not factored with emotional needs?

I feel like I am a well of untapped potential; a well whose waters are yet to be drawn. So incomplete and yet on the brink of bursting upon the lands with something close to my heart and new to the world.

Is my proficiency only centred around fun and creating a temporary sense of happiness in people? Why do people trust me but yet not trust me? What is trust in the definition that my mind is inclined towards?

And then my mind says, "Enough for tonight."

Why is that so?

*Edit*

And as I re-read all that I have typed, I realize with sadness, I have unlearned what I have learnt; I have forsaken what I pursued.

The consequences are dire.

#124 I Don't Want To Work!

I'm a lazy boy. I'd rather stay at home!

*Grumbles*

Fine.

*Grumbles somemore*

I said fine, I'll go!

=/

*Meh... Can I just go down on my own?*

Guess I can skip housework this way.

Still, I'd rather do housework then get tortured by motion sickness
E v E r Y d A y.

It's torture I tell you.

It's like getting beaten up daily.

Feel my pain!

*Edit*

Think I'm quitting Legend of the Green Dragon. Getting slain and losing ALL my hard earned experience twice daily sucks. That and the fact that I'm not getting stronger even though monsters are getting stronger. *Screams imbalance*

Still... It's a text-based browser game... I love text-based browser games... =/

#123 Hmmm...

Something's wrong with my Imeem link. As a result I can't hear Keitai Sousakan's OP: Wake You Up by Hitomi Shimatani & Kamen Rider Kiva's Break The Chains by Tourbillion. =/

Just got buttpwned by a hectic day at the restaurant. The trip to the restaurant was the one that killed half my energy bar. The trip back home killed the other half. The work took barely any energy.

Why so? Because of my motion sickness (yes, yes I've said this before but...meh) and at least an hour worth of travel time on the road. I almost puked. And then some more.

And then there was that leather shoe that mashed up my feet.

I finally saw the new restaurant location. It looks... well it hasn't been renovated and refurbished so...

On another note, did I mention my dad's restaurant is the restaurant used in the shoot for the 9pm Channel 8 drama, The Defining Moment? You can clearly see the pictures of the food served there in the background.

I'm no skirt-chaser, much less star-chaser so I kind of forgot about the whole thing till the topic of the restaurant came up again.

And I've been missing my grandmother once again.

It's just over one month since her passing. I don't like to leave the house nowadays because each time I return, the house looks so empty.

The only problem?

Each time I stay in I keep forgetting to eat because I'm waiting for her to ask me to buy food.

Guess I better get enlisted soon. =/

*inserts comforting message to self*

*feels comforted*

#122 A Mental Note To Myself

Get up, get some action going on.

Don't want to make the same mistake I keep making. =/

Today I look back on my life and take stock, then look forward and take wind of the opportunities.

Don't have much to say that I haven't already said, whether negative or positive.

I've ignoring the things that pain me in my life; Moving on is such an elusive goal.

If not for the sake of myself, then my family and friends as well as my commitments.

I'd like to smile once again.

I'd like to make you smile too.

#121 Ow Ow Ow!

I must have unhinged a screw somewhere during the journey to the wet market. Went with dad to work. (he woke me up because the restaurant was short-handed)

Almost puked.

That's how crappy my motion sickness is.

Dropped by after work to disturb Jerrome. He should have quit already, but being the MNG (Mr Nice Guy) he is, he stuck till the schedule is done. If I were him... let's not talk about it.

My younger brother bought a chibi-Eeyor from there; it's cute, that's for one.

*And yes I find stuffed toys cute even though am close to two-decades-old. Revelation.*

Anyone fancy watching cellphones battle cyber-terrorism with a bumbling high-schooler as a buddy?

Go search Keitai Sousakan 7 (Cellphone Investigator Seven). One word. Awesome. In some ways the robotic cellphones bring out so much more emotion than some people I know. *zips mouth*

"How many times do I have to tell you, don't throw cellphones around!"

>_<*!

#120 Right Day Gone Wrong

For the first time in quite some time, I actually felt good.

And everything was dashed by a phone call from Dad. It was a simple one minute call but it made much impact.

How can I will myself to be stronger when every word you say is poison in my bones?

How can you expect to impart change through negativity? And so many times you've reserved your negativity for me while generously dishing out positivity to my brothers.

And I fought with myself inside to change my weakness but at the end of the day, the things I made right you do not see and the things I haven't you magnify. Then you go wondering why I haven't changed the past few years.

The truth is this; you've taken for granted just like I have, and everyone else has. My elder brother says it out loud with vulgarities, my younger brother keeps it in because the status quo is fine for him but me? I'm stuck between the weight of your thumb pressing upon my conscience for my entire life's mistakes and that so near yet so far belief that I might one day be vindicated at least in your eyes.

Bad day? Hell ya, bash me for my weakness, my laziness, my lack willpower and self-control. Ignore my weak but existent tries, pleas and attempts. Then wonder how I can this loser's life.

Truth is, I can't. But you're not giving me any space to grow. And don't start comparing your past with my present. I can't compete with memory bias.

Well what a nice entry. My whole day's happiness ruined in moments. Now all that's left is some anger and that feeling that I should just give up and end it all somehow.

How I wish there was a "game over, please try again."

#119 Untitled

Because I don't know how to title it.

Somehow I'm growing lethargic and burnt out. Guess it's finally happening; the damage from the crunch period.

So I have no choice but to stay at home, rest and repair my body. Oh well.

Can't move around much without having a headache and a racing pulse. Not that there is much excitement around. That, and my awful loss of sense of taste and appetite.

Had dinner with Yan Xiang; it's been a long time since our last meet up. Guess he's coming out of NS soon; in contrast, I'm going in soon!

Oh well, if I pass my FYP this time round.

#118 I Did Something...

...Counter intuitive today. I Googled myself. Literally.

And guess what I found? Memories, some of which have long been banished into the deepest recesses of my mind.

The experience is beyond explanation.

*Breathes in, breathes out*

Beyond.

Explanation.

#117 A Day Off

Finally. After all that stress. I'm proud to say I'm free by choice. Let go of blame and grasped on to a renewed interest in life. I used to think that if I ever were to fall, crash and burn, I'd be better off disappearing and not dragging anyone else down. Can't say I've totally overcome this thought, but it's good to know that I won't stay down forever.

And I've learnt it the hard way. What's "it"? "It" is the empowering feeling of taking charge of my life and not wallowing in self-pity saying its all gone to pieces and I should exist my life away on some make-believe world of my own.

Because when the truth hits, it hits hard.

Am seriously looking forward to Jerrome's birthday celebration. Big plans for that, brother! But then I've been teasing you all week about being your best man so... I guess you know! What's coming up? Not telling!

But on a more personal note, I've began to revisit that feeling of love once again by chance. Not by choice that one, but when it strikes... well it strikes. Things are a little (or more) complicated this time round though but I'm enjoying breath of fresh air from the mundane life I've been dragging my feet about in all this while.

And once again the peeps in Battle.net are making fun of my laggy laptop. *Hmph*

Careful I don't fling an MRL at you. =P

#116 A Day Chock Full of Events!

Slept at 11pm plus yesterday night. After a particularly fitful sleep, I got up at 4.30am and waited the agonising span of time to my FYP presentation/oral defense. The time finally came and I got less than what I deserved (I deserved a good berating and a red mark on my score sheet). And so the FYP presentation consisted mostly of 3 hours of minesweeper games while constantly reminding Jerrome of my lack of confidence and extreme fear.

Then everything seemed to pass as soon as it started.

Relieved (though we knew we had a low chance of passing) at the summation of the ordeal (FYP), we got brunch, took a train to my house and started "destressing" (i.e. playing games).

Soon after, Jerrome left and my family and I headed down for a dinner with Dad's friends and their families.

We're not exactly extremely close, but because of the strong bond between our fathers, we kind of gelled together, the guys. And for the first time (I recall), Sylvia (one of the uncle's daughter) joined us for our regular guys' boardgame meet-ups.

In a dramatic turn of events; my usual good luck streak took a roundabout turn; I was routed in every single Citadel game (two games which lasted like forever).

The first match I was but one building to victory when everyone started to gang up on me. Wilson got the win for that one.

The second match I got assassinated the first round and had my gold stolen the two rounds after. Two rounds later I had my gold stolen yet again. Don't need to guess what happened at the end.

After that it was time to head home.

Time flies; the first time we met was at least a decade ago. Ten years on, we're still friends. I wonder what will happen in the year ahead.

#115 Psst!

*Whisper whisper*

I'm super afraid of what happens tomorrow!

Because of that, I'm going to sleep early, wake early, prepare myself.

Good luck to me!

*Insert well-wish to self*

Either way tomorrow's not going to wait for me so, ja!

Wake up fever!

#114 Possibly...

...The stupidest game encounter I've ever come across.

From: system (2008-07-31 09:59:57)
Shirley was captured by soldiers and forced to be a mess hall cook.In the middle of the night, she snuck out with a mother pig in hand, and scurried back. she obtainined 2467 in food.

I almost fell over my chair when I read it. But that's what's interesting about browser-games, I've come to realise.

It puts a smile to your face at times when you least expect it.

It's like Indie VS Hollywood. You don't get perfect but you get moments of genius.

Why do they look at me like I could be of worth? I'm just me.

#113 I've Come To Realise

I am human. Okay maybe I haven't just found out. But I'm talking about the allegorical. Human weakness is all around.

And then I realise that throughout my life I've been giving up power in exchange for status quo.

I start to want the things that others have gotten (once again, not literal); worldly possessions and so on and so forth.

I want to see true success once again, not the success that blinds us to our spiritual poverty.

Once again, I am as sane as another.

In times of insanity, I dream of something greater.

To understand, think lateral. Life is non sequitur. We are three...no, five (or more) dimensional.

Let us not act like two-dimensional beings.

#112 FAIL!

I just thought of a few jokes and I think they really fail.

Then again, no one ever laughs at my jokes. They only laugh because I am telling them. =x

Okay here goes nothing (>_<)"! :

1. My life is a comic. It's non-sequitur.

2. A: Why so serious? B: Why so stupid?

I wonder how many people I have killed with my complete lack of humour. *zips mouth*

No wonder Jit Min says people laugh at me. =P

Bah! I miss those days in Year 1 when I wore undersized t-shirts, cut hairstyles that would top the "Most Disastrous Hairdo Ever" any day and lunched with a brother who would hit his head with a water bottle whenever he made a mistake.

echo "I'm not talking about you, Jerrome."
//Said in low-pitched Heng-Yu-like voice.

I wish I could add wearing velcro strapped shoes to that list without lying. =X

#111 In The Aftermath

Sounds bad right? The title I mean.

*Insert negative thoughts*

Nah, just kidding.

Just a little update; I finished my FYP and submitted it. To be honest, even getting a D grade is difficult. But hey, I'm liking what I read (story-wise) and it's a real good experience learning a programming language from scratch, self-motivated.

Up next is my Professional Profile evaluation; just thinking about it gives me the jitters. I haven't had a good night's sleep for weeks now; I still won't until Wednesday is over.

In any case I caught up with Arch @ Mark (my cabal buddy), over the phone and then through msn. I kind of just went to random read his blog and realised something. We've been through at least similar circumstances, though I believe he's been through worse. And from what I see now (though we are not that close and don't really hang out so much), he's stronger than before his problems.

I really should be too, so I'm striving for that, in the midst of my lack of self-confidence and motivation.

If I don't try I'll always regret.

On the lighter side of things, it seems I've kind of lost interest (most probably temporarily) with my games. I go in and try to play two games and end up leaving my keyboard for most of the time in the second game.

It's possibly signifying that my priorities have shift, possibly.

I sure do hope so.

#110 I Have...

Repeated the same mistakes I made a year ago about 4 times now.

Realised my "giving up" would never work. Reality is such that it slaps you out of your stupidity...in time.

There's no such thing as a fairytale ending. But there is also no such thing as an irrevocable end. Or at least I haven't experienced that.

My codes continue to screw me over while my life, my reminiscence and reflection continually bring me full circle.

And I realise I'm standing back at square one.

It's not all bad though; at least I realised what I have missed out. Life; lot's of it.

This is my 2nd day staying over at Jason's (sec school mate if you guys were wondering) house. If you skip the 2 days of rest I've had in between sleep overs, I have clocked at least 1 1/2 weeks out of 2 weeks (I think, because my brain doesn't work so well) away from my own bed.

So to cheer myself up I'll say this:
It's do or die!

#109 Dear Family

I'd be letting you all down if I were to give up at this moment. And yet I so feel like giving up, because of the amazing odds stacked against me.

Learning a programming language from scratch.

Putting it into actual practice for a game my future depends on.

Wasting yet another few thousands of our family's money.

Causing Dad and Mom to worry.

I've realised it too late.

I never could run away from the world.

And now as I sit here, I realised I've gained so much more.

But at what cost?

My mind must have been way dense to not learn it the time when Granny passed away; a life lost, at what cost?

I honestly don't deserve anything I have right now.

My conclusion? Never give up, if only for the lost cost.

*Edit* If you think today is your last, how would you live it?

My mind's hurting, conscience's grieving, muscle's aching and breathing's shallow but somehow I'm living as if tomorrow might be a better day.

Please let it come to pass, if only for what I may have become.

#108 Hmmm...

I never expected myself to like programming.

But PHP and MySQL database programming is interesting to me.

For the past 3 days I have been staying over at Jason drummer's house rushing my belated FYP project, and I am seriously surprised at my sudden diligence.

Maybe it's the urgency (although way overdue as my dad correctly pointed out). I don't know.

Nothing much new to update except that my project excites me in ways I have long lost touch with.

It's a web-based story/game hybrid with several personal innovations;

The story excites me;

Anticipating the completed piece excites me;

Oh gosh, think I've been doing too much programming; I'm even ending sentences with semi-colons!

(For your information, semi-colons are separators and are used to distinguish one set of instructions from another. Kind of like a full stop at the end of each sentence so you know when the next sentence starts.)

I've got some apologies to make, especially about my behavior I guess. I should have accepted situations as is and not fall into the trap that so many people have; clumping past bitterness together in a jam-packed dose of self-administered poison.

For now, I'm going to tie up the loose ends and fix my situation.

#107 People Stare Into Water

And see their future.

Me? I stare into the wall and see my future.

Just kidding.

Adobe Photoshop, Flash & Dreamweaver.

Kiss your brain goodbye. That and your CPU.

#106 Another Post

That deleted post was probably made in anger.

Okay, I'll admit it. It was made in anger.

It's funny how I give up so easily, then rush to repair things after it's too late. Like my Final Year Project. It's overdue, my parents are mad/worried/concerned and I am rushing my living hours out just to complete it solo.

And then there's my increasing delusion with myself. I'm sorry I can't hang on to positivity any longer. I'm no superman, and I'm no Odie. I'd probably be closer... to the pessimistic Garfield at this stage. Too bad I ain't fat; I feel like Garfield all of a sudden; sans the fats.

So here I am in the wee hours of the day rushing my ass off working on borrowed (literally) time when I could have fixed everything nice and proper on schedule.

I'm already horrible as it is. But somehow someone seems to like to put me down, like I'm sort of irrepentable failure.

Well I just feel like proving him right, right about now.

So let's count the issues right out loud shall we?

1. I have no (as in zero) confidence in myself. Never did, I've come to realise, though there was once upon a time I thought I really did.

2. I like to postpone my problems (and put up a false front which apparently doesn't work)

3. I don't know how to react to negative statements about my ability when they are coupled with statements that seem to want to help me to improve because its contradictory.

Don't understand? Simply put it, 1 - 1 = 0. I don't understand how to solve the problem when someone tells me I'm a failure, and then tells me that I should something (like working hard for example)

4. This whole thing about creativity is tearing my brains apart. Why so? Because you've got all the ideas in the world but you've got no substance to turn them into reality.

5. Sometimes I find my games an oasis, not because I really want to play, but because it is there where I get (at least momentarily) respect, fulfilment. I know, I know, it's temporal.

But hey, when everyday someone says, "You've done this wrong, I don't understand how you can live your life this way," when obviously his life is nothing rosy either, you kind of have to have to find an avenue for self-esteem or go insane.

6. Because of all of the above, I'd rather stick to myself and stay alive on digital environments, because you can easily pull the plug anytime you like.

And a final word (or sentence, or even sentences). I'm sorry for not being the person everybody thinks I am. I just not am.

But for now, I think I'll need some time to quiet off. That, and my FYP.

Time's a ticking.

*Edit* And grandma. Where oh where are you?

#105 Hello Blog

I just realised I haven't talked to my blog in ages.

So here goes,

Hi blog! How are you?

*Awaits reply*

And hello world, I miss my grandma.

Bye world.

*Edit* I think I don't care, but I feel otherwise.

Weak.

Paralysed by inability.

Contradicted by promises.

In mental limbo.

I'll make the impossible possible by ignoring what's impossible.

For the laughs, kicks, short-term adrenaline, if nothing else.

I'm not believing in myself; it's just that 3 second high temperature.

#104 The Dark Candle

A man had a little daughter - an only and much-beloved child.

He lived for her - she was his life.

So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of them best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.

His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died.

The father was totally irreconcilable.

He became a bitter recluse, shutting himself away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to his normal self.

But one night he had a dream.

He was in Heaven, and was witnessing a grand pageant of the entire little child angels.

They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne.

Every white-robed angelic child carried a candle.

He noticed that one child's candle was not lighted.

Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl.

Rushing to her, while the pageant faltered, he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly, and then asked: "How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlighted?"

"Father, they often re-light it, but your tears always put it out."

Just then he awoke from his dream.

The lesson was crystal clear, and its effects were immediate.

From that hour on he was not a recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates.

No longer would his darling's candle be extinguished by his useless tears.

"For You have delivered my soul from death. Have you not kept my feet from falling, That I may walk before God In the LIGHT of the living ?" (Psalms 56:13NKJ)

Jesus Loves You!

#103 To Eternity & Beyond

I just binged on food.

Oops.

On the other hand, I'm feeling much better. After all, my thoughts were centred around two things:

1. Where does Granny go after she passes away?

- My cousins & I prayed for her salvation in Spirit and we believe that God has mercy and forgiveness. Perhaps through me by extension some miracle will happen. Either way I have no right, no say and no power. So there is no point worrying. (As per Puppy's previous tag).

2. How to cope with Granny's departure?

- She's in a better place (I believe) than having needles and wires poked into her, having to struggle to breathe, to survive, to fight a losing battle at her age. I centre this point upon the first; first and foremost is her well-being. My emotions will take second place since they have no bearing upon the future (in the sense that I cannot change anything).


Though I still miss her and think about the past, that remains as a beautiful memory to keep in my heart.

I am now terribly tired and mentally splintered but it will all return to normal when I get more rest. Just couldn't get enough sleep. Procession's going on later; She will be cremated and her niche be placed in the temple.

#102 The End

Of her suffering.

My grandmother passed on at 7.10am this morning.

Watching her get off the blood pressure drugs and losing strength was the toughest thing I have ever done in my whole life.

At that moment I wished I had died with her. But I guess I have to move on.

A big thanks to Jason/Puppy for attending the wake with me, for taking my crap, my tears and for sharing with me about her being in a better place. I feel much better, even though the tears still come.

The wake will be on till monday, before the procession to the temple and subsequent cremation.

Anyone who wants to can come for a visit. Just drop me an sms. My phone died but I have a replacement phone ready.

I prayed for her soul; my grandmother had not yet received the Lord into her life when she passed on. I hope everyone who sees this can help me pray for her soul.

Tomorrow's another tough day ahead.

*Edit*

Thank God for the regular emails.


Friend, Don't Look Down


Years ago, a young sailor went to sea for the first time.

Soon after their departure, his ship encountered a heavy storm and the sailor was commanded to go aloft and trim the sails.

About three quarters of the way up, the young sailor made the mistake of looking down.

The roll of the ship combined with the tossing of the waves made for a frightening experience.

The young man started to lose his balance.

At that moment, an older sailor underneath him shouted, "Look up, son! Look up!"

The young sailor did as he said -- he looked up and regained his balance.

Similarly, when our focus is on the circumstances that we face, the waves of life, we can easily lose our balance and our direction.

But when we switch our focus on to the victory that the Lord has already provided -- it is then that we will be able to maintain our stability, finish the assignments we've been given and get to the top!

Friend, are you feeling unstable today? Let's look up! There's no reason to look anywhere else -- Look to God, He will give you victory !

Psalms 98:1 O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.

I will look to You.

#101 Granny Will You Wake Up?

She's now in the ICU; assisted breathing and blood pressure. Yesterday, my younger brother and I went to the hospital later than planned. I'm glad for the seemingly bad timing, even though we couldn't really get to see her fully conscious.

Granny was vomitting, already semi-conscious.

After holding the basin awhile and letting her get things out of her system, we thought she was fine when she dozed off. Mom told us to go get our dinner then go home, but I still wanted to stay.

Glad I did.

From that point onwards, granny's health deteriorated rapidly. Within 15mins, granny could no longer respond to us consciously. Within 5 hours, she was wheeled into the ICU. Since 3am, doctors have told us twice to be prepared for the worst.

And only at 3am yesterday, 2 days after admission and months of regular check up, we found out that the immediate (and life-threatening) danger was renal failure and that she needed immediate dialysis.

By then her blood pressure had dropped too low to be able to undergo dialysis.

Why, after regular check-ups and warnings of a weak kidney, we were not told to keep aware that her kidney could fail at anytime, was the question that burned in my mind. Instead, we were told her kidney was fine.

Looking at all the tubes inserted into her frail, thin body and seeing her in that state put me at a loss for words.

At 1.30am on Tuesday, I could only wait. Two days later, at the same timing on Thursday, I could only wait.

Right now her life hangs in the balance from something she had no mental preparation about.

Thanks for everyone who prayed for her. If you can, I would really appreciate if you continued to do so. The reason why I put her name down in the sms was that I know that the Lord knows her by name, even if we may not.