#166 Up In Arms!

How life has played everyone a fool.

How things have got back to square zero.

How understanding has degenerated comprehension.

How contradictions have come to light.

How the perpendiculr threads of life lie in preternatural incongruence.

How little sense I make of my surroundings in the drunkenness of the moment.

Why was I chosen?

How I wish I was blissfully unaware.

Because reality isn't cruel. It's just incomprehensibly unintelligible.

The darkness sure reveals some inscrutable odd-ball nuances.

Just as the light obscures...

Pardon my intentional belligerent persiflage.

But that's just frustrating.

And I wonder at my superfluous adjectival use.

#165 Solitaire

Here I am, in front of the computer, playing solitaire and listening to music.

Here I am, but where am I?

#164 In The Distance

As I was on the train back home, I looked to the distance. As if trailing the setting sun, a burst of redness swelled across the horizon.

Somehow, I felt a stirring, an urgency within me.

Fast forward to the slow walk home;

In Everything There Is A Gift

In tears, there is consolation
In pain, there is healing
In remorse, there is forgiveness
In anger, there is respite
In disgrace, there is humility
In separation, there is memory
In rejection, there is another door

And yet,

To love deeply, is to hurt deeply. And I know that despite all my faults and failings, there is One who loves me deeply, and who because of my distance, hurts deeply.

But still I cannot find the courage, to return, to seek His forgiveness, to enter His sanctuary. Because, the fear I have is perhaps as strong as the anger that I feel within.

People may fail us, but how many utterly destroy us by neglect?

As I looked into that redness, I feel the emotions I have felt and am feeling, that just as red is the colour of blood, so is it the colour of love.

And yet, because of all my failings I cannot go back.

So here, I am, observing, my doubts caged in, my fears suppressed, my anger repressed.

But hey, at least I can smile.

Why? Don't know, I just try.

#163 This Is So Not Myself

I busted close to $150 on clothes just yesterday.

What's so weird?

Shock #1:

I don't shop. Ever. Until now. That is if you don't count the trips to the wet market with dad as of my old part-time job. Or the fact that I visit NTUC regularly to stock up on unhealthy but necessary food for the larder.

Okay, I pretty much failed in making my point.

Shock #2:

I don't like to spend. Except maybe that close to $100 on 1 blazer. Really. *innocent face*

So happily I went home, admiring what I've bought. I even went home and tried it all on once more.

Thank God for my vanity. Because I realised *GASP* the zipper on the jeans is defective.

Imagine going to a wedding dinner without zipping up your jeans. Not a nice thought.

So now I have to lug my lazy ass all the way back to Bugis Street (which by the way has serious oxygen deprivation issues) just to get a change (or a refund).

Damn, why did I even bother.

#162 My Brain Is Down

And my head throbs.

And I suspect it's not because I've just realise I have a tummy.

Oh well.

#161 In The Night

That night I dreamt
So real it seemed

My life would end
As broken sand

In tears I woke
And took a look

The fear so clear
It came so near

The hours passed
Until at last...

#160 Just A Thought

Some of us go around believing and trusting in people, trying to empower them in love, in spite of what others think of us,

The image they have of us;

How much lesser we are now because of what we have left behind.

How much we need to listen;

Failing to see it is because of what has happened that has taught us lessons.

Failing to listen instead to our side of the story.

Because the way I see it, you're only interested in my presence in a particular sanctuary.

I see how little you care when in reciprocation I share a bit of myself, you belittle it albeit unknowingly.

And because I firmly believe in two-way communication and refuse to take without giving, I choose to forgo your kindness.

but don't just sit down and complain;

Open your eyes; sometimes the negativity you perceive in others is merely the voice in your own soul.

I will always smile for a friend,

And if I may have the honour that you consider yourself one, so do I.

#159 A Heartfelt Song On A Quiet Night

Cries In The Distance by JJ Lin

Cries in the distance
Cant stop the tremble
Im just awaiting my turn

Hiding will never
Save me forever
The guns gonna get me for sure

Dear God I pray why wont you be my friend
Come to me and take my hand
Like mama would say
Everything will be okay

All I hear is 3 2 1
The scream from the guns
And then 1 by 1
No one gets to run
Someones dad or mom
Sister, brother and son
No no

All I feel is 1 2 3
My tears start to bleed
Smell of roses on my feet

I feel sore
I fall
I call
I crawl


Not because I'm an emo kid, because I love this song.

The feeling of utter helplessness; I've felt it before.

The fact I'm still standing is because I have a friend in Him.

My life is fulfilled by fulfilling the dreams of others.
That is my dream, that another person feels loved, trusted, cared for and reaches his or her potential.
Because no one should feel despair.