#129 Today...

Or rather yesterday (Saturday) was an experience to say the least.

The bbq went well... except for a few oversights. However the thing which really got to me is this;

How come so many do not reply to repeated announcements about the bbq or do not attend it after indicating they will attend?

There are some exceptions I would like to mention of, such as Jovin and Jeff, both of who replied and were very consistent with their words. (A few others responded pretty promptly too)

But, what about the rest? I have no doubt Jerrome and Jaslyn can testify the effort each of us put in to making it succeed, not to mention the cost. All that effort caused me to crash out in burnout and I almost couldn't make it at all.

But since all's past I'm not going to point fingers or anything, just that I want to make a few points.

1. Preparing the bbq took effort, whether logistics, food-wise or planning. Much effort was wasted in one-way communication and preparing extra food in the likelihood that some who did not reply attended; effort that could have been spent elsewhere.

2. We basically had to throw away half of the food prepared at the end.

3. Respect. Perhaps we aren't the closest of buddies. But we cared to invite. We cared to open the door, even asking specifically if you would come. Sure we, are no VIP or any big shot. But a simple no would have suffice, even if not accompanied by any reasons.

At the end of the day, I am thankful for the people who came, who enjoyed themselves and who went back fulfilled. It has no doubt been an enjoyable experience. But I feel a stirring in my heart to for the sake of my friends, as well as to Jerrome (the main initiator), to speak out so lessons can be learnt.

The money can be earnt back, the bbq can be held another time. But the mistakes once ignored will forever come back till the lessons are learnt.

#128 For Some Reason

...The blogger dashboard has changed during the span of 3 hours. I was just using Jerrome's laptop to update that previous (and rushed personality test).

o_O

Today's been a rushed day to say the least, and I am about to go out still! Had a nap while on the train from Pasir Ris back home. Thank God for the seat.

Tomorrow, our planning and preparation will come to fruition, but it will also mean another long day ahead.

But before all the fun and laughter, I'll be heading down with my family to visit my granny's urn at the temple in the morning. It still is going to be a teary affair for me, as I think will be for my family.

I'm actually quite worried for my dad; he's been working really hard for the past three years and through all these time I've been giving him little comfort but many nights of frustration and worries. Next weekend is his birthday. I'm planning something for him. =)

Through all the pain, the despair and the loss of purpose, I have learnt to smile.

Through all the hard work and bumbling mistakes, I have learnt to improve from the past.

So many challenges ahead, but that means greater heights.

Above all, I'm thankful for all the blessings I didn't deserve, chances I shouldn't have got and peace of mind which should have been others'.

#127

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

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Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love. 

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Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

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iterature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary

#126 The Shadow Of My Past

That I see in another. Only thing that person didn't turn out as I had. Something way more active, more malignant, more aggressive developed. The pain that I know all too well. I feel for that soul but am prevented from helping because the door is closed.

Today I made plans, met the star of Saturday and did preparations. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day heading down to the wet market to buy food, get my personal grooming up to standard (I have to admit in the past two months I cared less about how I look than I cared about anything else) as well as make the final preparations.

At the same time I am reminded that my dad's birthday is the following Saturday. Going to make plans for that one as well. As he is very busy (by choice and by circumstances), I want to accommodate him and show him that I care just as he cares for me. I've been a stupid kid for a good part of my life (and more good years ahead as Puppy puts it), but I don't want to denigrate into an unloving, ungrateful, hate-filled, self-absorbed, impudent creature, unworthy to be called a son.

Don't worry, those negative adjectives are a mental reminder for me to take note.

And on the other side of things, tomorrow I find out if I fail or pass. Not much to do except to wait. Whatever the result I'm not going to fret. I deserve a straight fail. This chance is more than I should have gotten. And I am grateful for that.

To sign it off, just to remind myself, I'm going to confess my undying love for my dad, mom, elder and younger brothers, as well as (and especially) my grandmother who has passed away. In my heart she lives on. I should honour that memory.

#125 Questions

And more questions.

As the clock strikes 12 and Jerrome turns 1 year older, a few conversations on MSN made me questioned beliefs, opinions, ideals, principles and progress.

Why we do what we do.

Why we believe what we believe.

Why we think what we think.

Makes my mind go into overload. There are simply too many possibilities I (as a person, an individual in society, a sapling) can veer to in the short time.

There is this tinge of sadness at the realisation of how I am beheld.

Tinge of sadness at how we as humans (including and especially myself) can choose to ignore beauty and cause for happiness in indulging in our grievances.

The beauty I am talking about is beyond physical; I am referring literally to the sense of happiness.

The more I see, the more I reflect and the more come to question myself; particularly the flawed aspect of my persona.

Am I who I claim to be to others? Am I who others believe me to be? Am I who I believe I am to be? If so, then to what extent? If not, then what am I?

The more I see, the more I behold of behaviour and persona in society, the less I feel I know. What is this limit in my mind that I cannot comprehend that which I cannot comprehend?

I find my grasping at the soil of life, intent on finding more than just solid ground to stand, but the stuff that makes the ground solid.

Why is 1 + 1 = 2? What makes it true? Who determined that? Why do I not question that statement? How much of it is fact? How much of fact is fact? Because fact is not set in stone, how then can I be secure in it?

The more I question the less I know. But I've side-tracked, the purpose of my questioning is to pinpoint this; why are people so fluid; ever changing like the tides in the ocean.

Why do some want me to believe in what they believe yet not want to believe in what I believe in? Where is the balance to the equation? Why are good intentions not factored with emotional needs?

I feel like I am a well of untapped potential; a well whose waters are yet to be drawn. So incomplete and yet on the brink of bursting upon the lands with something close to my heart and new to the world.

Is my proficiency only centred around fun and creating a temporary sense of happiness in people? Why do people trust me but yet not trust me? What is trust in the definition that my mind is inclined towards?

And then my mind says, "Enough for tonight."

Why is that so?

*Edit*

And as I re-read all that I have typed, I realize with sadness, I have unlearned what I have learnt; I have forsaken what I pursued.

The consequences are dire.

#124 I Don't Want To Work!

I'm a lazy boy. I'd rather stay at home!

*Grumbles*

Fine.

*Grumbles somemore*

I said fine, I'll go!

=/

*Meh... Can I just go down on my own?*

Guess I can skip housework this way.

Still, I'd rather do housework then get tortured by motion sickness
E v E r Y d A y.

It's torture I tell you.

It's like getting beaten up daily.

Feel my pain!

*Edit*

Think I'm quitting Legend of the Green Dragon. Getting slain and losing ALL my hard earned experience twice daily sucks. That and the fact that I'm not getting stronger even though monsters are getting stronger. *Screams imbalance*

Still... It's a text-based browser game... I love text-based browser games... =/

#123 Hmmm...

Something's wrong with my Imeem link. As a result I can't hear Keitai Sousakan's OP: Wake You Up by Hitomi Shimatani & Kamen Rider Kiva's Break The Chains by Tourbillion. =/

Just got buttpwned by a hectic day at the restaurant. The trip to the restaurant was the one that killed half my energy bar. The trip back home killed the other half. The work took barely any energy.

Why so? Because of my motion sickness (yes, yes I've said this before but...meh) and at least an hour worth of travel time on the road. I almost puked. And then some more.

And then there was that leather shoe that mashed up my feet.

I finally saw the new restaurant location. It looks... well it hasn't been renovated and refurbished so...

On another note, did I mention my dad's restaurant is the restaurant used in the shoot for the 9pm Channel 8 drama, The Defining Moment? You can clearly see the pictures of the food served there in the background.

I'm no skirt-chaser, much less star-chaser so I kind of forgot about the whole thing till the topic of the restaurant came up again.

And I've been missing my grandmother once again.

It's just over one month since her passing. I don't like to leave the house nowadays because each time I return, the house looks so empty.

The only problem?

Each time I stay in I keep forgetting to eat because I'm waiting for her to ask me to buy food.

Guess I better get enlisted soon. =/

*inserts comforting message to self*

*feels comforted*

#122 A Mental Note To Myself

Get up, get some action going on.

Don't want to make the same mistake I keep making. =/

Today I look back on my life and take stock, then look forward and take wind of the opportunities.

Don't have much to say that I haven't already said, whether negative or positive.

I've ignoring the things that pain me in my life; Moving on is such an elusive goal.

If not for the sake of myself, then my family and friends as well as my commitments.

I'd like to smile once again.

I'd like to make you smile too.