Saturday, July 19, 2008

#106 Another Post

That deleted post was probably made in anger.

Okay, I'll admit it. It was made in anger.

It's funny how I give up so easily, then rush to repair things after it's too late. Like my Final Year Project. It's overdue, my parents are mad/worried/concerned and I am rushing my living hours out just to complete it solo.

And then there's my increasing delusion with myself. I'm sorry I can't hang on to positivity any longer. I'm no superman, and I'm no Odie. I'd probably be closer... to the pessimistic Garfield at this stage. Too bad I ain't fat; I feel like Garfield all of a sudden; sans the fats.

So here I am in the wee hours of the day rushing my ass off working on borrowed (literally) time when I could have fixed everything nice and proper on schedule.

I'm already horrible as it is. But somehow someone seems to like to put me down, like I'm sort of irrepentable failure.

Well I just feel like proving him right, right about now.

So let's count the issues right out loud shall we?

1. I have no (as in zero) confidence in myself. Never did, I've come to realise, though there was once upon a time I thought I really did.

2. I like to postpone my problems (and put up a false front which apparently doesn't work)

3. I don't know how to react to negative statements about my ability when they are coupled with statements that seem to want to help me to improve because its contradictory.

Don't understand? Simply put it, 1 - 1 = 0. I don't understand how to solve the problem when someone tells me I'm a failure, and then tells me that I should something (like working hard for example)

4. This whole thing about creativity is tearing my brains apart. Why so? Because you've got all the ideas in the world but you've got no substance to turn them into reality.

5. Sometimes I find my games an oasis, not because I really want to play, but because it is there where I get (at least momentarily) respect, fulfilment. I know, I know, it's temporal.

But hey, when everyday someone says, "You've done this wrong, I don't understand how you can live your life this way," when obviously his life is nothing rosy either, you kind of have to have to find an avenue for self-esteem or go insane.

6. Because of all of the above, I'd rather stick to myself and stay alive on digital environments, because you can easily pull the plug anytime you like.

And a final word (or sentence, or even sentences). I'm sorry for not being the person everybody thinks I am. I just not am.

But for now, I think I'll need some time to quiet off. That, and my FYP.

Time's a ticking.

*Edit* And grandma. Where oh where are you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

#105 Hello Blog

I just realised I haven't talked to my blog in ages.

So here goes,

Hi blog! How are you?

*Awaits reply*

And hello world, I miss my grandma.

Bye world.

*Edit* I think I don't care, but I feel otherwise.

Weak.

Paralysed by inability.

Contradicted by promises.

In mental limbo.

I'll make the impossible possible by ignoring what's impossible.

For the laughs, kicks, short-term adrenaline, if nothing else.

I'm not believing in myself; it's just that 3 second high temperature.