#102 The End

Of her suffering.

My grandmother passed on at 7.10am this morning.

Watching her get off the blood pressure drugs and losing strength was the toughest thing I have ever done in my whole life.

At that moment I wished I had died with her. But I guess I have to move on.

A big thanks to Jason/Puppy for attending the wake with me, for taking my crap, my tears and for sharing with me about her being in a better place. I feel much better, even though the tears still come.

The wake will be on till monday, before the procession to the temple and subsequent cremation.

Anyone who wants to can come for a visit. Just drop me an sms. My phone died but I have a replacement phone ready.

I prayed for her soul; my grandmother had not yet received the Lord into her life when she passed on. I hope everyone who sees this can help me pray for her soul.

Tomorrow's another tough day ahead.

*Edit*

Thank God for the regular emails.


Friend, Don't Look Down


Years ago, a young sailor went to sea for the first time.

Soon after their departure, his ship encountered a heavy storm and the sailor was commanded to go aloft and trim the sails.

About three quarters of the way up, the young sailor made the mistake of looking down.

The roll of the ship combined with the tossing of the waves made for a frightening experience.

The young man started to lose his balance.

At that moment, an older sailor underneath him shouted, "Look up, son! Look up!"

The young sailor did as he said -- he looked up and regained his balance.

Similarly, when our focus is on the circumstances that we face, the waves of life, we can easily lose our balance and our direction.

But when we switch our focus on to the victory that the Lord has already provided -- it is then that we will be able to maintain our stability, finish the assignments we've been given and get to the top!

Friend, are you feeling unstable today? Let's look up! There's no reason to look anywhere else -- Look to God, He will give you victory !

Psalms 98:1 O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.

I will look to You.

#101 Granny Will You Wake Up?

She's now in the ICU; assisted breathing and blood pressure. Yesterday, my younger brother and I went to the hospital later than planned. I'm glad for the seemingly bad timing, even though we couldn't really get to see her fully conscious.

Granny was vomitting, already semi-conscious.

After holding the basin awhile and letting her get things out of her system, we thought she was fine when she dozed off. Mom told us to go get our dinner then go home, but I still wanted to stay.

Glad I did.

From that point onwards, granny's health deteriorated rapidly. Within 15mins, granny could no longer respond to us consciously. Within 5 hours, she was wheeled into the ICU. Since 3am, doctors have told us twice to be prepared for the worst.

And only at 3am yesterday, 2 days after admission and months of regular check up, we found out that the immediate (and life-threatening) danger was renal failure and that she needed immediate dialysis.

By then her blood pressure had dropped too low to be able to undergo dialysis.

Why, after regular check-ups and warnings of a weak kidney, we were not told to keep aware that her kidney could fail at anytime, was the question that burned in my mind. Instead, we were told her kidney was fine.

Looking at all the tubes inserted into her frail, thin body and seeing her in that state put me at a loss for words.

At 1.30am on Tuesday, I could only wait. Two days later, at the same timing on Thursday, I could only wait.

Right now her life hangs in the balance from something she had no mental preparation about.

Thanks for everyone who prayed for her. If you can, I would really appreciate if you continued to do so. The reason why I put her name down in the sms was that I know that the Lord knows her by name, even if we may not.

#100 I Have This Urge To Blame Myself

For a silly little thing, posting this last post:

I don't want to admit it, but I can feel her going somewhere I can't go just yet.

It's 6.45am and I've just reached home.

Grandma's in NUH, waiting for a bed to be available. In the meantime she'll be well taken care of by trained, professional staff in the temporary ward.

She's got low sodium in her blood but that's all we know for now, and that's not yet proven to be the problem.

I'll recap a little:

Yesterday:

9am, I woke to a "hangover" because of a combination of the lack of sleep the previous day, stress and a whole lot of tears. I went back to sleep.

12pm, finally got up and gave grandma her inflammation medicine, then went to do the laundry.

Grandma takes her regular (not inflammation) medicine and inhaler. She then proceeds to the toilet. This scenario repeats unending.

5.15pm, I leave house.

11pm, I arrive home and go online. Grandma's upstairs still taking her regular medicine and inhaler, before going to the toilet.

1am, after some clumsy attempts by me to get her to stop the routine and sleep, my dad gets home. We bring her to the hospital.

And now, I don't feel like sleeping just yet.

#99 A Few Things I'd Like To Say To Myself

Get off your chair.

Get out of the house.

Get on with your life.

But the main worry (of my family I believe, is my granny).

She is showing signs of dementia; she is so thin now my lack of body mass pales in comparison.

And that strength of hers; a decade ago (that's roughly 2/19 of her total life so far) she was still able to carry weights that would disgrace some people.

I've always felt that she probably felt abit left out. Everyone else in the family seems to be either starting out or going through advancements in their life; her has past her peak.

It's no wonder she tries with much difficulty to do the things she used to do with ease.

Even in the midst of her daze she goes around busying herself with household chores.

I don't want to admit it, but I can feel her going somewhere I can't go just yet.

And you know what? She gave me my birth name. Wui.

#98 The Clock's Ticking

It's 6.30pm. 4 more (ish) hours.

*pokes fingers*

This is so not "good" stress.

Looks like I won't need a hair dye; it'll come naturally.

And I'm being to tire of the ugly side of neglect and blame.

Sorry for wasting your money.

Sorry for making you angry.

Sorry for not heeding your advice.

Yeah right, you only appear when I get in trouble and proceed to tell me how useless I am and how much of your time, money, energy, effort I've wasted.

I used to believed that, just like how I used to believe in you.

Now... nah. *shakes head*