#9 After The Long Hiatus

I knew I'd come back somehow. Back to this dusty little corner of the (global?) webspace. Except that dust doesn't exist here.

I really am tired. Tired of that little gnawing feeling in my heart. You know, the kind that happens when you've overworked your (physical) heart after a good long run. Only thing the sourness does not expire with rest. I've long thought that that sourness arose as a result of my project conflicts of differences in creative direction, our perceptions of the group's limitations and what not.

Now I know better. It's a greater loss that I fear.

I've long wanted to avoid the topic, but my grandmother has been getting on years. Just months ago she was still pretty much mobile and capable cooking for the family. But in the recent weeks she seems to be a shadow of herself. Sitting in front of the television seems to be the only activity that does not tire her out totally; even walking is a chore.

And I'm starting to fear.

You know, the day when the person who gave me my birth name (that's Wui) and caned me in my childhood in hopes of bringing me up the right way...

The person who promised to buy me a gift when I grow up, though I still don't know what that gift is.

The person who would call me back after school each day after preparing dinner while I spent my time playing with my friends at the playground.

The person who's been through so much hardship in life that I feel ashamed of myself whenever I run away from my own problems.

My brother cried one morning, waking me up with his lamentation at her current state. I think I chewed him out for just being a crybaby, but here I am at a loss. It's been 4 weeks since I last had a night's sleep and even longer since I had one without nightmares.

And yet, I don't know how to express myself in front of her whenever I look into her tired eyes.

I'm tired and I'm pretty sure the rest if the family is too. Now what?