#158 MAN

MAN. Manhood. Attitude. Nonchalance.

Okay maybe not. But believe it or not, ten years back I never thought I'd grow up. But then again, back then I didn't know what reality was.

Love was from mom, dad, brothers and grandmother.

Food was from the table.

Allowance came when I asked.

Trust was guaranteed.

Support was assured.

Mistakes were solved with a sorry.

In retrospect, I probably had an easier than anyone else on earth. I never had any critical accidents or made irrevocable mistakes. The most I did was to make a fool of myself (of which I have had my fair share).

I guess the biggest upheaval in life I have ever come across came with making my own decisions in life, particularly my believing in Christ. Though things kind of messed up (though I still believe, just a little less in people) and for a time I slipped into mental isolation, the truth is this; I haven't given up and this life of mine could be so much more. How much more, I don't know. Because between random gossip, I'm haven't gotten a real good picture of the things that lie ahead.

Of the faces that smiled but hid a secret enmity.

Of the words that were spoken that cut right through flesh and blood.

Of the trust that was broken amidst solemn promises.

So as yet another life stage lies before me, I can't help but wonder what's going to change in my life, apart from the sudden hair loss.

Perhaps, I will learn discipline, responsibility, courage and a sense of duty. I'd learn punctuality and make strong bonds with friends in spite (perhaps because) of our common baldness. The daily boredom will be replaced by friendly banter and earnest friendship.

Or perhaps, my fears will take over and I once again fade into quiet existence, as sickles are drawn and from behind blood is spilled. The me I once thought erased would come back, huddling in the corner, defeated. And as despair takes over, I'll give up.

I need a reason. To exist, to strive, to go beyond reactive defeat to proactive success.

And then there was one.

Or is there?

I don't really know. Perhaps you do.