#63 The Day Is Saturday

I came to service with a heavy heart. I left service with a heavy heart.

Promises are hard to keep. I had the thought of reneging on the promise I had made with myself which I had shared to Jason drummer during the past few days. Luckily I didn't and I went to face the day's activities, albeit listlessly.

I arrived late for Liyan's meeting with the graduates from DI, RP and NYP, listening to the debrief (for lack of a proper word to use) regarding our future. The meeting made me wonder about the past, if we had made mistakes in RP ministry or was it just my delusional misgrievances. Because from the projections, DI and NYP have a goal to hit 100 while RP was (sorely unrepresented, and neither would I have bought into any projections in view of what has happened so far) not mentioned. I do not yet have an outlet for useful feedback with any of the leaders yet in spite of the urgency in me.

Because it seems that everytime one wants to rise up, the system pulls the cover on that person. To me it seems. So much that I am ready to live the remaining time in RP ministry ignoring the problems (I perceive) in a very resigned position. I worry that what remains of my conscience will be torn to bits if I do so but I am at a loss of what path to take.

Honestly, the call to action has been consistent, but the follow-up has (again, to my personal opinion) been non-existent.

I tire of the daily struggle with my conscience at the state of matters, so much so that I tire of any single activity that once was a part of my weekly itenary (bluntly represented). My state of being has degenerated from need of care and concern to the simple need of meaningful purpose.

And while I put on that disgusting mask of nonchalance, sometimes enjoyment, deep down as each minute passes I lose the hope that I once knew when actions spoke louder than words.

And I have come to realise the people within CG whom I once thought I had misunderstandings with had nothing to do with those misunderstandings; rather, because of the system passed down, misunderstandings occured.

I am now truly blind to positivity and any sense of direction anyone has.

But one thing turned out positive in the midst of the mess.

I met up with Mei Yun, Jerrome, Jason (drummer) and Elaine. People whom I sorely miss from the old days. (Heng Yu is also a part of them) Sitting at the back of service is hardly an expensive price to pay for seeing familiar brothers and sisters in Christ whom I once closely shared my life with. I honestly don't care how good the music is, how convincing the sermon is or how many people raise their hands. But I am infinitely more happy seeing them come to service today because each matter more than any money can buy.

Some may question my decisions, my reasonings and my actions. But know this; having dropped from the greatest of heights and faith, trust and support to the lowest of lows, having no one beside you whom you would want to share your burdens (either because you didn't trust them yet or because you didn't want to hurt them) and living in a loosely knitted illusion of being "okay" for more than a year now, I think I am far more positive than the me I once knew would have been.

Because knowing me 4 years ago, I would have just tormented myself to oblivion.

So many people I want to tell, "God loves you." And I know God loves me too.

But I tire of having being bashed on the head repeatedly by life's circumstances.

You know why I didn't want to sign up for the church camp just now? Because if I did, it would have purely been for fellowship and enjoyment.

It's ironic Valentines' Day has just passed. I don't see any love. Maybe pity. But not love.