For the first time in quite some time, I actually felt good.
And everything was dashed by a phone call from Dad. It was a simple one minute call but it made much impact.
How can I will myself to be stronger when every word you say is poison in my bones?
How can you expect to impart change through negativity? And so many times you've reserved your negativity for me while generously dishing out positivity to my brothers.
And I fought with myself inside to change my weakness but at the end of the day, the things I made right you do not see and the things I haven't you magnify. Then you go wondering why I haven't changed the past few years.
The truth is this; you've taken for granted just like I have, and everyone else has. My elder brother says it out loud with vulgarities, my younger brother keeps it in because the status quo is fine for him but me? I'm stuck between the weight of your thumb pressing upon my conscience for my entire life's mistakes and that so near yet so far belief that I might one day be vindicated at least in your eyes.
Bad day? Hell ya, bash me for my weakness, my laziness, my lack willpower and self-control. Ignore my weak but existent tries, pleas and attempts. Then wonder how I can this loser's life.
Truth is, I can't. But you're not giving me any space to grow. And don't start comparing your past with my present. I can't compete with memory bias.
Well what a nice entry. My whole day's happiness ruined in moments. Now all that's left is some anger and that feeling that I should just give up and end it all somehow.
How I wish there was a "game over, please try again."
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