I'd be letting you all down if I were to give up at this moment. And yet I so feel like giving up, because of the amazing odds stacked against me.
Learning a programming language from scratch.
Putting it into actual practice for a game my future depends on.
Wasting yet another few thousands of our family's money.
Causing Dad and Mom to worry.
I've realised it too late.
I never could run away from the world.
And now as I sit here, I realised I've gained so much more.
But at what cost?
My mind must have been way dense to not learn it the time when Granny passed away; a life lost, at what cost?
I honestly don't deserve anything I have right now.
My conclusion? Never give up, if only for the lost cost.
*Edit* If you think today is your last, how would you live it?
My mind's hurting, conscience's grieving, muscle's aching and breathing's shallow but somehow I'm living as if tomorrow might be a better day.
Please let it come to pass, if only for what I may have become.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
#108 Hmmm...
I never expected myself to like programming.
But PHP and MySQL database programming is interesting to me.
For the past 3 days I have been staying over at Jason drummer's house rushing my belated FYP project, and I am seriously surprised at my sudden diligence.
Maybe it's the urgency (although way overdue as my dad correctly pointed out). I don't know.
Nothing much new to update except that my project excites me in ways I have long lost touch with.
It's a web-based story/game hybrid with several personal innovations;
The story excites me;
Anticipating the completed piece excites me;
Oh gosh, think I've been doing too much programming; I'm even ending sentences with semi-colons!
(For your information, semi-colons are separators and are used to distinguish one set of instructions from another. Kind of like a full stop at the end of each sentence so you know when the next sentence starts.)
I've got some apologies to make, especially about my behavior I guess. I should have accepted situations as is and not fall into the trap that so many people have; clumping past bitterness together in a jam-packed dose of self-administered poison.
For now, I'm going to tie up the loose ends and fix my situation.
But PHP and MySQL database programming is interesting to me.
For the past 3 days I have been staying over at Jason drummer's house rushing my belated FYP project, and I am seriously surprised at my sudden diligence.
Maybe it's the urgency (although way overdue as my dad correctly pointed out). I don't know.
Nothing much new to update except that my project excites me in ways I have long lost touch with.
It's a web-based story/game hybrid with several personal innovations;
The story excites me;
Anticipating the completed piece excites me;
Oh gosh, think I've been doing too much programming; I'm even ending sentences with semi-colons!
(For your information, semi-colons are separators and are used to distinguish one set of instructions from another. Kind of like a full stop at the end of each sentence so you know when the next sentence starts.)
I've got some apologies to make, especially about my behavior I guess. I should have accepted situations as is and not fall into the trap that so many people have; clumping past bitterness together in a jam-packed dose of self-administered poison.
For now, I'm going to tie up the loose ends and fix my situation.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
#107 People Stare Into Water
And see their future.
Me? I stare into the wall and see my future.
Just kidding.
Adobe Photoshop, Flash & Dreamweaver.
Kiss your brain goodbye. That and your CPU.
Me? I stare into the wall and see my future.
Just kidding.
Adobe Photoshop, Flash & Dreamweaver.
Kiss your brain goodbye. That and your CPU.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
#106 Another Post
That deleted post was probably made in anger.
Okay, I'll admit it. It was made in anger.
It's funny how I give up so easily, then rush to repair things after it's too late. Like my Final Year Project. It's overdue, my parents are mad/worried/concerned and I am rushing my living hours out just to complete it solo.
And then there's my increasing delusion with myself. I'm sorry I can't hang on to positivity any longer. I'm no superman, and I'm no Odie. I'd probably be closer... to the pessimistic Garfield at this stage. Too bad I ain't fat; I feel like Garfield all of a sudden; sans the fats.
So here I am in the wee hours of the day rushing my ass off working on borrowed (literally) time when I could have fixed everything nice and proper on schedule.
I'm already horrible as it is. But somehow someone seems to like to put me down, like I'm sort of irrepentable failure.
Well I just feel like proving him right, right about now.
So let's count the issues right out loud shall we?
1. I have no (as in zero) confidence in myself. Never did, I've come to realise, though there was once upon a time I thought I really did.
2. I like to postpone my problems (and put up a false front which apparently doesn't work)
3. I don't know how to react to negative statements about my ability when they are coupled with statements that seem to want to help me to improve because its contradictory.
Don't understand? Simply put it, 1 - 1 = 0. I don't understand how to solve the problem when someone tells me I'm a failure, and then tells me that I should something (like working hard for example)
4. This whole thing about creativity is tearing my brains apart. Why so? Because you've got all the ideas in the world but you've got no substance to turn them into reality.
5. Sometimes I find my games an oasis, not because I really want to play, but because it is there where I get (at least momentarily) respect, fulfilment. I know, I know, it's temporal.
But hey, when everyday someone says, "You've done this wrong, I don't understand how you can live your life this way," when obviously his life is nothing rosy either, you kind of have to have to find an avenue for self-esteem or go insane.
6. Because of all of the above, I'd rather stick to myself and stay alive on digital environments, because you can easily pull the plug anytime you like.
And a final word (or sentence, or even sentences). I'm sorry for not being the person everybody thinks I am. I just not am.
But for now, I think I'll need some time to quiet off. That, and my FYP.
Time's a ticking.
*Edit* And grandma. Where oh where are you?
Okay, I'll admit it. It was made in anger.
It's funny how I give up so easily, then rush to repair things after it's too late. Like my Final Year Project. It's overdue, my parents are mad/worried/concerned and I am rushing my living hours out just to complete it solo.
And then there's my increasing delusion with myself. I'm sorry I can't hang on to positivity any longer. I'm no superman, and I'm no Odie. I'd probably be closer... to the pessimistic Garfield at this stage. Too bad I ain't fat; I feel like Garfield all of a sudden; sans the fats.
So here I am in the wee hours of the day rushing my ass off working on borrowed (literally) time when I could have fixed everything nice and proper on schedule.
I'm already horrible as it is. But somehow someone seems to like to put me down, like I'm sort of irrepentable failure.
Well I just feel like proving him right, right about now.
So let's count the issues right out loud shall we?
1. I have no (as in zero) confidence in myself. Never did, I've come to realise, though there was once upon a time I thought I really did.
2. I like to postpone my problems (and put up a false front which apparently doesn't work)
3. I don't know how to react to negative statements about my ability when they are coupled with statements that seem to want to help me to improve because its contradictory.
Don't understand? Simply put it, 1 - 1 = 0. I don't understand how to solve the problem when someone tells me I'm a failure, and then tells me that I should something (like working hard for example)
4. This whole thing about creativity is tearing my brains apart. Why so? Because you've got all the ideas in the world but you've got no substance to turn them into reality.
5. Sometimes I find my games an oasis, not because I really want to play, but because it is there where I get (at least momentarily) respect, fulfilment. I know, I know, it's temporal.
But hey, when everyday someone says, "You've done this wrong, I don't understand how you can live your life this way," when obviously his life is nothing rosy either, you kind of have to have to find an avenue for self-esteem or go insane.
6. Because of all of the above, I'd rather stick to myself and stay alive on digital environments, because you can easily pull the plug anytime you like.
And a final word (or sentence, or even sentences). I'm sorry for not being the person everybody thinks I am. I just not am.
But for now, I think I'll need some time to quiet off. That, and my FYP.
Time's a ticking.
*Edit* And grandma. Where oh where are you?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
#105 Hello Blog
I just realised I haven't talked to my blog in ages.
So here goes,
Hi blog! How are you?
*Awaits reply*
And hello world, I miss my grandma.
Bye world.
*Edit* I think I don't care, but I feel otherwise.
Weak.
Paralysed by inability.
Contradicted by promises.
In mental limbo.
I'll make the impossible possible by ignoring what's impossible.
For the laughs, kicks, short-term adrenaline, if nothing else.
I'm not believing in myself; it's just that 3 second high temperature.
So here goes,
Hi blog! How are you?
*Awaits reply*
And hello world, I miss my grandma.
Bye world.
*Edit* I think I don't care, but I feel otherwise.
Weak.
Paralysed by inability.
Contradicted by promises.
In mental limbo.
I'll make the impossible possible by ignoring what's impossible.
For the laughs, kicks, short-term adrenaline, if nothing else.
I'm not believing in myself; it's just that 3 second high temperature.
Monday, July 7, 2008
#104 The Dark Candle
A man had a little daughter - an only and much-beloved child.
He lived for her - she was his life.
So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of them best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.
His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died.
The father was totally irreconcilable.
He became a bitter recluse, shutting himself away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to his normal self.
But one night he had a dream.
He was in Heaven, and was witnessing a grand pageant of the entire little child angels.
They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne.
Every white-robed angelic child carried a candle.
He noticed that one child's candle was not lighted.
Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl.
Rushing to her, while the pageant faltered, he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly, and then asked: "How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlighted?"
"Father, they often re-light it, but your tears always put it out."
Just then he awoke from his dream.
The lesson was crystal clear, and its effects were immediate.
From that hour on he was not a recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates.
No longer would his darling's candle be extinguished by his useless tears.
"For You have delivered my soul from death. Have you not kept my feet from falling, That I may walk before God In the LIGHT of the living ?" (Psalms 56:13NKJ)
Jesus Loves You!
He lived for her - she was his life.
So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of them best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.
His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died.
The father was totally irreconcilable.
He became a bitter recluse, shutting himself away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to his normal self.
But one night he had a dream.
He was in Heaven, and was witnessing a grand pageant of the entire little child angels.
They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne.
Every white-robed angelic child carried a candle.
He noticed that one child's candle was not lighted.
Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl.
Rushing to her, while the pageant faltered, he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly, and then asked: "How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlighted?"
"Father, they often re-light it, but your tears always put it out."
Just then he awoke from his dream.
The lesson was crystal clear, and its effects were immediate.
From that hour on he was not a recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates.
No longer would his darling's candle be extinguished by his useless tears.
"For You have delivered my soul from death. Have you not kept my feet from falling, That I may walk before God In the LIGHT of the living ?" (Psalms 56:13NKJ)
Jesus Loves You!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
#103 To Eternity & Beyond
I just binged on food.
Oops.
On the other hand, I'm feeling much better. After all, my thoughts were centred around two things:
1. Where does Granny go after she passes away?
- My cousins & I prayed for her salvation in Spirit and we believe that God has mercy and forgiveness. Perhaps through me by extension some miracle will happen. Either way I have no right, no say and no power. So there is no point worrying. (As per Puppy's previous tag).
2. How to cope with Granny's departure?
- She's in a better place (I believe) than having needles and wires poked into her, having to struggle to breathe, to survive, to fight a losing battle at her age. I centre this point upon the first; first and foremost is her well-being. My emotions will take second place since they have no bearing upon the future (in the sense that I cannot change anything).
Though I still miss her and think about the past, that remains as a beautiful memory to keep in my heart.
I am now terribly tired and mentally splintered but it will all return to normal when I get more rest. Just couldn't get enough sleep. Procession's going on later; She will be cremated and her niche be placed in the temple.
Oops.
On the other hand, I'm feeling much better. After all, my thoughts were centred around two things:
1. Where does Granny go after she passes away?
- My cousins & I prayed for her salvation in Spirit and we believe that God has mercy and forgiveness. Perhaps through me by extension some miracle will happen. Either way I have no right, no say and no power. So there is no point worrying. (As per Puppy's previous tag).
2. How to cope with Granny's departure?
- She's in a better place (I believe) than having needles and wires poked into her, having to struggle to breathe, to survive, to fight a losing battle at her age. I centre this point upon the first; first and foremost is her well-being. My emotions will take second place since they have no bearing upon the future (in the sense that I cannot change anything).
Though I still miss her and think about the past, that remains as a beautiful memory to keep in my heart.
I am now terribly tired and mentally splintered but it will all return to normal when I get more rest. Just couldn't get enough sleep. Procession's going on later; She will be cremated and her niche be placed in the temple.
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