#96 A Treat For All Of Y'all

Because I'm delirious from two days' worth of brain-shrinking insert-random-action, enjoy:

"When Bad Writing Becomes Funny"

By Assorted Authors

ONE

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

TWO

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

THREE

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling bowl wouldn't.

FOUR

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

FIVE

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 pm instead of 7.30pm.

SIX

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

SEVEN

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

EIGHT

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

NINE

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

TEN

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

ELEVEN

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

TWELVE

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35mph.

THIRTEEN

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

FOURTEEN

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

FIFTHTEEN

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

SIXTEEN

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

SEVENTEEN

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

EIGHTEEN

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.


Enjoy, like, whatever.